Hello, I'm Ultiran.

I started at around the 10-11, blamed the world for my problems, my mistrust and anxiety in society. I saw no fap when I was around 16-17, but didn't take it seriously until my last year of High School when I was getting tired of always being anxious, tired and depressed. I started working out in summer just before the start of my last year of high school, which started to breathe new life into me a bit everyday. At that point I still had a lot to do, but as I got into school, I felt more and more tired everyday, the homework and anxieties I fought were taking its toll on me. I stopped working out at the gym, instead walking everyday, but that didn't change my attitude towards the change I wanted. I got to the point where I started to realize life is much more than sitting in a dark hole of self loathing. I took many risks that year, from singing and guitar performances, to sharing my story with those in my writing class. I was blessed to have had such a supportive school environment with open minds and hearts.

After I graduated from High School I found myself slowly declining into what I was before, but tried hard to slow it down and look at what was going wrong. At that time I didn't read into NoFap too deeply, I only knew of its existence. So for a while I still fapped to porn at least 2-3 times a week, getting my happiness from a few doses of orgasm. At this point, it has already been 7-8 years that I've been masturbating and ejaculating to porn, surprisingly I never really looked deeper into NoFap until earlier this year after my vacation to Philippines. A month and two weeks we were there, helped solidify the changes I was trying to make in the beginning of my last year of highschool. My first two weeks there were hell. I was irritable, anxious, didn't want to meet anybody. I pretty much stayed at home when I could there and as the days passed, the feelings continued to grow and peak, until I couldn't take it anymore and broke down. This was my breaking point, but thankfully getting here only pushed me to get better. Done with this bullshit, I pushed myself to go outside and fight past that urge to run. Over the last few weeks of my vacation there, I felt my sleep improving, my mind clear and bright, and my libido was coming back stronger than ever. Mind you I was away from technology and porn for a month and two weeks.

I felt like a new man and upon returning to my city, I tried to keep it up, but I watched porn here and there, and 6-8 months later, I found myself once again indulging in porn everyday. About three to four weeks ago, I once again decided to reflect on my life, and where I want to be. I want to be in a steady job, have a relationship, give back to my family, help those that need it, make new friends, do new things, but most importantly, live.

So here I am now, on the verge of relapsing once again after two weeks of being clean. I thought posting and lurking here would give me different perspectives on this issue and possibly the courage to finally get this done. I just want to live a normal life. I'm too young to be wasting my life away because of the side effects of a porn addiction.

It seems when I feel my will about to break, I always think about my time in the Philippines. The many new faces I got to meet, the places I got to see, and even the dog I got to take care of. Those memories are my anchor, my strength and where I want to be in my life.