Things are getting worse

Make 30. I just lost my job. Depression has me performing poorly. A co-worker has been trying to get me fired for the past few months, and management told me they are looking for my replacement. I had to press them for the truth on the matter. They are still making me work until they find a replacement, including making me cancel a therapy appointment. I changed therapists just to work around their schedule, and they pull this on my at the last min. My girlfriend cheated on me. I'm pretty sure she's over me and wants out. Which is shit because I love her. I've quit drinking but now all the old memories are coming back from when.I was drugged and raped ten years ago. I finally told her about it but her response was to want to leave me. I have my brothers wedding in ten days. She doesn't want to come with me. I've been trying to stay alive to not ruin the wedding. But it's too hard. And my death would kill my mother who also suffers from depression.

I've started taking Zoloft. But it will take time to work. I have a holiday planned for Xmas to see the countryside of this beautiful state where I moved. But I'm finding it all to hard to live with the shame of my failed life. I know I will find other work that will make me happier, but going through these motions is so embarasing. I did all the things. But it wasn't enough. People just want to use me.

I tried to hang myself on Sunday but it hurt too much. I keep thinking of driving to the cliff, but what if I survive the fall. And what happens if I succeed? Why am I still in this job after I'm fired? Making money for these people? Why am I trying to keep this relationship going when she clearly doesn't care about me?

I don't love myself. I'm so sad and shaken up that it physically hurts. Sometimes I feel better, but then something triggers me and I'm a mess for days.