Story Of My Life

Hey, what’s up? I’m sure you know me by now. Of course, as you can see up above here, my name is Xander, and today I’m here to present to you my personal thoughts on what I do for entertainment and how it entertains me. So buckle your seatbelt and get ready for an awfully boring bus ride.

Alright, so for starters, I have, like, four main hobbies in life; eating, sleeping, gaming, and Internet surfing. I partake in said joyous delights with all the canned enthusiasm of a rotting, fly-infested deer ribcage that I found lying around in the forest one time while my dad was busy playing Ultimate Frisbee with his beer buddies from work; such is the nonexistent meaning of my life.

Personally, my favorite hobby is the Internet because it has always fascinated me on both a technical level and a stupidity level. I’ll be looking up random stuff and watching Youtube videos one second, and listening to music the next.

Once 4-Chan ceases to exist, Reddit stops permabanning people from its subreddits for idiotic and selfish reasons, and the Justin Bieber meme finally dies, I feel that the Internet will, in fact, become a truly desirable place...that is, if you just give it about ten more years or so.

While I’m at it, I guess I should also bribe Pewdiepie to stop making videos. Regardless, the Internet is the sad but true story of my life, and I simply cannot gluttonously consume enough of it.

My second favorite hobby is gaming. You see, it all started when I was just a wee lad who was too stupid and uncoordinated to even walk around on platforms without slipping off of them like a degenerate ingrate born in 1998.

My dad was a huge fan of video games and was big into autism, I mean, Nintendo, so naturally, with the vicious cycle of spoiling me rotten came the not-so-vicious cycle of teaching me to actually know what a truly great game was, as well as how to get thrown in jail.

As I grew up, my taste in gaming continued to develop until I became a true self-entitled elitist who would blatantly refuse to play anything but the best of the best, or at least, what people said was the best of the best (cough, cough, never played Final Fantasy VI or VII, cough).

Now that I have gained access to the amazing power of emulators, I currently have a gosh-darned cornucopia of good old stuff at my disposal when it comes to Xenoblade Chronicles, I mean, boring old schlock that hardly anyone even plays much of anymore. I tell you, it’s a real steal, I mean, bargain!

My third favorite hobby, contrary to popular belief based on my seedily weedy and weedily seedy appearance, is eating. Hey, if morbidly obese middle-aged William Howard Tafts on mobile chairs can do it, skeletons with thin layers of skin attached to them can do it, too!

I love making pasta. I love it so very, very much. As I cook it in the water, the sauce boils like lava and I can almost feel the vapor from the boiling water condensing into my virgin pores.

As I empty the oh-so-hot noodles into the strainer, the water cascades into the sink like a magnificent waterfall of lava pouring down Mount Everest with the self-righteous fury of a French chef.

As I eat my glorious dinner feast with the rather questionable dignity of the gods themselves, I finally reach the finale of my final conclusion about myself: my body is ready. My metabolism, on the other hand, was ready before it even started, which is exactly why I myself ironically resemble a wet noodle in both shape and size. Pasta is love. Pizza is life.

Yawn...speaking of being tired of writing this crap, my fourth and final favorite hobby is sleeping. Unfortunately, sleeping isn’t as fun to write about as eating, so I’ll just briefly describe what it is to me.

Sleeping is the rather simple artistic process of assembling your sheeting mechanisms into a hypercompact comforting alliance, turning your lightbulbs off, turning your godforsaken I-Pad off, integrating yourself into whatever the heck I just described the sheets as a few seconds ago, shutting the soulgazing windows to your mind, and awaiting the hopefully solemn break of tomorrow day, hoping that the economy won’t suddenly fall apart overnight.

And there you have it; those are my four favorite hobbies on the entire expansive planet! Gaming is my bread, the Internet is my butter, and eating is my toast. So, what does that make sleeping? Well, I guess I could say that sleeping is my dream bar, but seriously, who eats those?

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I’m a simple nerd with simple needs. And if there’s one thing you should know by now about simple nerds with simple needs, it’s that they live on a horrifyingly tight suburban schedule: eat, sleep, meme! Oh, the horror!

You see, it is this simple yet brilliant combination of things that makes us nerds what we are. We are the Nerds Of America. Though small, weak and about as socially inclined as a fencepost, we are millions aligned into one. With all of our brainpower amassed, we shall take over this world and everyone will eat, sleep and meme until the end of time when the universe explodes into a flaming ball of gas and everyone dies.

Have a nice day! Ciao!