A Poem

I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know why I stay,

I don’t know why when you demand I leave, I don’t just say okay.

I don’t know how many nights, you’ve asked me to leave our room.

I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself, it will all be alright soon.

I don’t know why my brains confused, or why my heart still beats

I find it hard to understand how I love someone who treats me so much like shit.

I don’t know why when you say my name, it fills me with both hope and dread

Maybe its because so many times ive been called slut or whore instead.

I don’t know why I don’t just run away, maybe I’m afraid you’ll hunt me down,

Just like you did the day I hid in a hotel just outside of town.

I don’t know why I deleted all social accounts, including contacts, photos and all

I don’t know why I agreed that I don’t need friends or memories anymore.

I don’t know why we didn’t just call it quits after the first time that we tried

I don’t know how many times we’ve fought nor how many times we’ve cried

I don’t know how you made it okay for drugs to be present in our home

I don’t know why I allowed you to block the internet on my phone.

I don’t know why you turn to meth almost every week

I don’t know why you won’t get a job to help achieve the things we seek.

I don’t know why you broke my computer or why I can’t have another

I don’t know why you won’t let me financially help my parents, sisters or brother.

I don’t know how I can do my job, how do I get through the day?

When I constantly receive the text messages saying ‘one day you will pay’.

I don’t know how we manage to laugh when always on my mind

Is the memories of us being arrested, domestic violence was our crime.

I don’t know why I dress differently and change at your request

I don’t know why I hate myself, even when I try my best.

I don’t know why I watch myself grow fat, lazy and unkept

I don’t know why I kiss you goodbye as you visit people with whom you’ve slept.

I don’t know why I sit at home, afraid to venture out alone

Maybe im afraid of the consequences I’ll face when I eventually come home.

What I do know is that I do love you, I do know it’s a lot

I do know that will never change, nothing I can do can make it stop.

I do know that our relationship is wrong, I do know that we’re broken

I do know that there aren’t too many avenues left for us to consider taking.

I do know this is not all your fault, this all started because of me

I wish I could have just been the kind of person you wanted me to be.

I do know that I have not been someone worthy of respect

I’m sorry for the lies I told, I hope you see I’m full of regret

I do know that I miss my friends, I miss my family too

It breaks my heart to think of them while I spend time with your family and you.

I do know that im trying, I hope it proves one day to be enough

I hope that one day, not too far away, we can move on from all this stuff.

I do know I’m getting tired, its been 2 years full of hate.

I hope we can get past this, before it proves too late.