My brain is trying to kill me.

I'm still trying to get over losing you. Losing your family. What became my family, too. I'm so, so god damned sorry. I never intended to hurt you. You know that. You know I would have walked to the ends of the earth and back for that. I would go through all this pain a million times over if it meant I could make you happy again. That's not an option, though. You forgave me, you knew I had good intentions, but it was too much, I know. I'm sorry.

So now I break down in the middle of the day on a unassuming Wednesday afternoon more than three months after the fact and start screaming at the walls. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But the walls don't hear me. The walls can't care. They're walls. They can't forgive me. And you already have, and hearing it didn't make me feel any better, so why do I keep begging for forgiveness? I clutch my head and curl up into the fetal position and force myself to put my phone away so I won't message you. You haven't talked to me in more than a month. I'm convinced you've blocked me, but on the off chance you still read those messages, I don't want you to know how bad I still feel. I don't want it to guilt you. I don't want you to feel like my blood is on your hands if I ever actually get around to killing myself.

My brain turns itself in knots trying to say goodbye. I talk out loud to myself and write it down as I put myself through the motions of asking - commanding - you to leave my thoughts. I thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave me. I thank you for helping me fight my depression. I thank you for sticking around even after you left me to make sure I was okay. And then I tell you to leave. I tell you you're not helping me anymore. I push you away, out of my mind's eye. I say goodbye to your family. The younger sisters I wanted to watch grow up. The only mom I ever had. Your dad and his bad jokes. Hell, even your dogs. I fucking miss your dogs. I FUCKING MISS YOU. But I have to put that away. So go away. Just go. Please..

I can't concentrate on school. Sometimes when I speak entirely the wrong words come out. Not even words that sound the same, or related words, just total gibberish that keeps going until I realize I don't even make sense to myself. I'm on-and-off suicidal, sometimes hoping I die in my sleep, sometimes making plans, often pleading with myself to make those thoughts go away. I go through all my exercises. "I'm going to be okay because Friend says I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay because Family says I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay because I say I'm going to be okay. Because I'm working towards being okay. Because I'm a good person. Because I did what I thought was right."

It's not enough. I'm losing a fight with my own fucking mind, and I'm nearly out of counseling visits for the school year. I can't afford to pay for more sessions, and they don't refresh until next fall.

The worst part is, sometimes I'm okay. I'll be out with friends and I'll feel genuinely happy. I can't even understand why I feel like I do right now then. Either I don't remember or I'm repressing it or something, but it just doesn't click. I'm losing my god damned mind.