Charade

You tell me you love me for who I am

But who do you know me as

How can I be myself when I'm nothing to brag about

A puppet

A hoax

A bundle of jokes

A delicate flower trapped in a pit in the thoughts of a wisecracker

I'm not who I seem

But I want to be

The projection you say that you love isn't me

It's what I assume everyone wants to see

I'll hold up a curtain covered in smiles as I exit stage left in my mind

Free from another performance for you

But when I'm gone

I'll drop the curtain

Only to realize I left you in the crowd

And I don't think I have the will or the skill to twirl it around as I search through the crowd to find you and save you without cracks appearing in my mask

And if they do

And you see through the facade

You'd look to the ceiling with a smile and a nod

Sigh with relief and thank mighty god

That his divine plan

Didn't force you to be with this shallow veil of a man

Full of empty words and icy comfort

Better for me to be dead than for you to get hurt

For now I'm okay

And my performance is grand

But I know the day will come when I can't bring myself to try

I'll throw down my curtain and walk out onstage to a chorus of horror and a deluge of tears

To a cacophony of screaming and all my worst fears

And I'll be relieved because I can take some time off the road

To sit on an empty stage

Thin wood panels all softer than your shoulder

Giving me comfort in knowing that the pressure to be decent is gone

And the morns will grow short and the nights will grow long

I'll wonder what would have happened if I'd decided to stay

Chosen fight over flight

Given hope to myself that I'm more than a curtain

But it wouldn't have worked

I'd have fucked it up anyway

Any day

There's no chance in hell it would end up okay

"I love you"

You never did

You loved the art

You loved the stories I would spin

But that's not me

I'm just the problem in the end

Go away I need to break

I'm too bitter to bend

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