All the places you'll go; all the ways that you'll throw -- A picture-book guide to throwing your games.

Throw (verb):

1. To waste or mismanage all tactical and strategic advantages so that those advantages are functionally or measurably lost.
2. A genuine commitment to capitalize on a situation where the chance of success is actually zero.

This is a guide in reverse. It is not a guide to winning. It's a guide to losing. A recipe book to help you make all the silly, dumb, and blind decisions that we see players make on a daily basis. Why? Because matches in Heroes are won by the team with the least throws. If you want to succeed in this game then good instincts for correct ideas are only half the battle, so you need to recognize the moment you take a wrong turn. There must be fifty ways to fuck up any given correct choice. The odds are against you. Knowing how to lose takes training.

Learning to identify bad decisions is difficult. Let's get that out in the open. We like to talk as if you can package it up all nice and clean. You know, "just don't die." But why are we dying? No one tries to die. People try to do the right thing. Then it goes wrong. If you ask people about their supposedly good idea the justifications often sound reasonable: "I wanted to take the objective", "it was a good time to capture a merc camp", "I successfully split pushed that fort", etc. Most bad decisions are fundamentally tied to rational, and not altogether horrible intentions. Most throws start when a player says, "I have a great idea". Great ideas seem impenetrable.

Your great ideas are cleverly-disguised bad, misinformed, and short-sighted ideas. Why? Because you haven't properly learned how you throw. You don't know when you're throwing until it's already happened. Let us fix that. Let's teach you how to tell yourself, "what I'm about to do is stupid, and I'm going to die." To do that we can't just say, "don't you go out there and die." We have to teach you to predict your deaths.

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Chapter 1: How to throw by picking a fight with everything in sight.

But he was within attacking distance.
Everyone loves to chase a Nova.
The ending is quite a twist.
I'm the ganker, not you.
My healer will save me!
I must protect every tower.

Chapter 2: How to throw by not watching what's going on around you.

I'll just defend this bush.
Go figure out where they've hidden.
Hey everyone, I destroyed a fort!
What's my job?
Has anyone seen the mage?
I could leave at any time.

Chapter 3: How to throw by taking merc camps.

I thought we were taking merc camps?
Healers are fantastic at soloing mercs.
We can totally take this camp right now.
Thump.
What this push really needs is some mercs.

Chapter 4: How to throw by taking objectives.

It's okay, the Punisher is taking care of it.
We have nothing better to do.
Keep on pokin.
I'm more of a split-push type of Dragon.
Me go core.
If late is fashionable, I'm fabulous.

Chapter 5: How to throw by walking in the wrong direction.

Hold my beer while I sneak 'round this corner.
Give them the slip.
Your teamfight is in my way.
I prefer the scenic route.
You're in the jungle, baby!

Chapter 6: How to throw by standing in the wrong spot.

It takes two to throw.
Dive Hard.
Dive Hard 2: Dive Harder.
Didn't I have a healer?
Right where I want her!
A sawed-off sniper rifle.
Aggressive tactical positioning.

Chapter 7: How to throw by making poor decisions.

Never give up, never surrender!
More like, WINions, amirite?
Single file; one at a time, please.
We made the right choice, not like those fools.
Giant undead scarab? I better punch a fish.
Bro, do you even sip?

Chapter 8: How to throw an entire game, a little bit at a time.

3 level lead, GG nubs.
Nickel and dime.
Such an evenly matched game!

Chapter 9: How to die in an impressive manner. (This one is just for fun)

Never tell me the odds.
I called BASE, that means I'm safe!
What a lovely time to take the boss.
A Warrior's sworn duty.

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Edit: Thank you all for the wonderful reception on this post. I am both humbled and awed.