Source
r/Frat•
themethchef

How to address a strange subject with my SO

What's up guys,

So this is gonna be a weird post. It could be one for r/relationshipadvice but I don't really think that that sub would grasp the full nuances of Greek life in this scenario.

So, long story short: I dated a girl for 5 years, got to college, pledged, broke up over the process. Classic story. She was not involved with Greek life.

Here's where things get strange. Over my pledging semester and my nib semester, on 3 desperate occasions I blacked out, passed out in a bed... And a girl came in and had sexual relations with my immobile self. Now comes the beginning of this semester: these girls have all been voted president of their respective sororities.

I get back together with my ex, and she's rushing this current semester. Her top 3 sororities are... The 3 sororities mentioned above.

So my predicament now is: what do I tell my girlfriend? Do I tell her? One of the incidents in question happened after we started talking to each other again so I don't wanna be dishonest with her but this situation is a little sticky.

From what I've had retold to me of these nights, the encounters ranged from my unconscious self being jerked off to being full on ridden by one of these girls. My fear is that during their girl talks or gossip or whatever it is sorority girls do, the subject of drunken hookups comes up and I get name dropped and the situation escalates from there. So r/frat what do I do??

TL;DR I get more action when I'm unconscious than when I'm functioning, and am left with a weird situation with my girlfriend who's now rushing and hopes to join sororities where their president may or may not have nonconsensually fucked me. Help.

Posted Jan 16, 2016, 12:47 AM UTC

726
CarribbeanTigerfuck nationals•

Dude, you don't say shit. You were broken up. That's private business. You 100% had the right to partake in all the debauchery you wanted to.

45
CigBreak•

First mistake: Getting back with your ex

Second mistake: Contemplating telling her anything

22
ImpuneΦΚΣ•

  1. I'm weirded out by your desire to scuttle your own relationship by bringing up things that will do nothing but cause resentment in your girlfriend.

  2. I'm weirded out that you're so casual about being raped in your sleep on multiple occasions.

I'm weirded out.

12
themethchefOPΠΚΦ•

Well to address your second point, I was pretty weirded out too at first. My conflict came from the fact that in 2 out of the 3 incidents, I had a pretty big crush on said girl and was debating getting more involved relationship-wise with them. So now after the initial weirdness, I just don't feel negatively or positively about what happened. It's just, a thing that happened to me.

2
RobinIsAGoodfellow•

Well, you probably should reconsider getting more involved with girls who think it's ok to rape guys who are blacked out. That's more than a small moral failing, and it likely bleeds over into other areas of the girl's honor.

I'm not saying you should go SJW - if it doesn't really affect you, that's good. But the willingness of the girl to "take the goods for a test-drive without the dealer riding shotgun" reflects very very badly on the girls' characters, and it likely means they are dishonest and dishonorable in other areas you don't yet suspect.

3
PM_ME_YOUR_RACY_PICSΔΤΔ•

Fuck sounds like you're in a pickle

11
themethchefOPΠΚΦ•

Well, you're not wrong, guy.

7
RobinIsAGoodfellow•

Why would you say anything?

If your ex and now current friend-girl is told of the adventure one of her sisters had with your passed out corpse, and then your friend-girl challenges you, you can credibly say, "Well that's news to me."

10
LordWoodenBottomΛΧΑ•

"Unconscious"

6
themethchefOPΠΚΦ•

Yeah I don't want to cry rape or anything because I have zero recollection of what happened, my verbiage just comes from what I've been told

8
ACDtubesΣΝ•

In the words of one of my brothers who just got back from a rape seminar at nationals.

"Dude, I think I was raped."

"What?"

"Yeah, I mean XXX dragged me in here and had her way with me when I was blacked out. I didn't find anything out until the next day. I totally couldn't consent."

"And?"

"Well, I got to fuck her the next morning, and I totally consented then, cause she was super hot, but still, that's super-fucked up, man. "

Also, I wouldn't tell her jack shit until it comes up, that's just asking for extra drama.

19
GabrielwingueΨΛΦ || STU/UNB•

So there's some shitty advice down below about 'Rape' and etc etc. but I'm going to give you the best advice I have, and you can listen to whoever you want to.

If you feel as those any of those girls had sex with you while you could not consent, and that you are not okay with it. That is rape. There is no shame in telling your S/O that you were sexually assaulted, and even less shame in admitting you didn't report it (because let's be honest, as guys we get laughed at for even the premise of being raped by a woman). If you are telling her that the women in charge of these organizations do that sort of thing, you're doing it so SHE DOESN'T GET INVOLVED WITH THE WRONG SORT OF PEOPLE. Which is a fucking good reason.

If she breaks up with you because of it, she's a bitch.

If she doesn't believe you when you say it wasn't consensual, she's a bitch.

If she continues to attempt to join X organization regardless, that's her perogative and you can do what you want with it but I wouldn't stay with her.

If she demands you report it and threatens to break up with you if you don't, and you don't want to, she can take I hike.

And as awkward as this shit is, as long as this shit happened in the last 6 to 12 months, I would seriously consider reporting it. Sexual Assault is Sexual Assault, it DOES NOT matter if you "would've said yes", or "because you're the guy".

4
kittyywhiskers•

Sorority girl here! I think it really depends on your school. My chapter has 200+ girls if one of them hooked up with my bf drunk while when we were broken up 1. I dont think she would bring it up 2. You are bound to have some sort of weird relationship to a sister through one guy. If the chapters there are much smaller I would say something before pref. That might make a difference in how she ranks.

2
ImpuneΦΚΣ•

you did something

Would you ever say this to one of your sorority sisters if she told you, "Apparently three men had sex with me while I was blacked out last weekend?"

Where are all the good feminists when it's a man's consent that has been ignored?

5
grizzazzΣΝ•

Where are all the good feminists when it's a man's consent that has been ignored?

I don't think there are many feminists in r/frat, and I don't think the upvoted posters calling it "debauchery" or "adventure" are likely to call themselves feminists. If OP had posted this to a more general relationship advice subreddit I guarantee people would be saying it was rape.

I completely agree with you that it's sad and bizarre to see how casual this thread is. Our culture believes men always want sex, so violations of their consent (even if they are unconscious) aren't seen as harmful. If a man is raped by another man, any outrage comes more from homophobia than the principle that nobody should have sexual contact with anyone else without consent. A woman who rapes a man is often seen as someone who did the man a favor rather than a predator and/or criminal.

3
kittyywhiskers•

well something I like to be cautious of is being like "you were raped" or "thats so messed up why aren't you freaking out" because its really something people man or woman need to come to terms with on their own. And as someone who has been through that theres really nothing more obnoxious than having some tell you how upset you are supposed to be or how horrible it was. I think when someone takes advantage of another person it doesn't matter if they are are female/male or drunk/sober its simply someone doing something because they can. OP seems to be pretty concerned about his current relationship right now and is just trying to continue his life not look for advice on what the girls did to him.

4
grizzazzΣΝ•

I agree there's no "right way" for someone to respond to a sexual assault. However, I also don't think he can explain these events to his girlfriend without confronting what happened. Presumably the sorority presidents aren't going to tell everyone they raped a guy, but they might try to characterize the events as consensual hookups. Not only would that excuse their own wrongdoing, it would paint OP as a person he isn't (not to say a consensual hookup would've counted as "cheating", but when they were talking about getting back together there was probably at least some agreement he wouldn't be involved with other girls.) I think the girlfriend deserves to know the sorority presidents are the type of people who would take sexual advantage of an unconscious person before she chooses to associate with any of them, especially if there's a chance they could ruin her relationship with OP by misleading her about the nature of their contact.

I don't think clearly saying this is rape is giving OP advice on how to mentally process what happened to him. I think it's important to say because if OP's girlfriend doesn't believe him for some reason (like she thinks men can't be raped by women), she is in the wrong.

2
ImpuneΦΚΣ•

My point isn't even that the act was harmful. OP seems unperturbed by it, and that's his prerogative.

I was more disturbed by the assertion that an incapacitated drunk person and the person taking advantage of them in that situation were mutually responsible for what happened.

Was it technically and legally rape? Yes. Is it something OP minds very much? Apparently not. But whether he cares doesn't change the fact that had he been a woman, there would be a riotous mob calling for blood right now.

3
kittyywhiskers•

I'm sorry, I didnt understand that he was* considering this as something against your will or nonconsensual. That was just me misreading it. I absolutely think that men can be taken advantage of and more often than not brush it off or ignore it so good for you for recognizing what happened wasnt okay. I think that circumstance is very different then. I was assaulted by a guy in highschool who then joined a frat at different school than my own and I still refuse to hang out with the same frats chapter at my school.

I'm also going to be incredibly honest, the people who you think will be stand by you will also be the first to turn away because sometimes they really have trouble understanding what happened if they haven't been through something similar. If my bf told me while I was going through recruitment that had happened to him that would be devastating and idk if I wouldve gone through with it.

2
ImpuneΦΚΣ•

I didnt understand that you were considering this as something against your will or nonconsensual.

I'm not OP, but this is by definition nonconsensual.

I'm not saying OP needs to press charges. It seems he's pretty okay with whatever happen. However, that doesn't mean the girls were justified in their actions, or that their actions are excusable.

The way you so nonchalantly say "he did something" when he literally did nothing because he was incapacitated shows a gross double standard with regard to sexual assault with male victims.

4
kittyywhiskers•

Alright. Well if you read what I said I misread the post but thanks. I'm probably the last person you need to argue with over consensual and nonconsensual sex.

2
themethchefOPΠΚΦ•

Thanks for the perspective. The chapters tend to be 80-100 girls here, but I think I'm too late to say anything because their formal recruitment period has started already and goes pretty much nonstop until they all get bids tomorrow.

2
kittyywhiskers•

Yea sorry about my response I had misread some of the post.

2
kittyywhiskers•

Also after pref round theres nothing she can do except how she ranks her final chapters, and if you're at the same school I am (which I don't think you are because your chapters are smaller) the girls will not have their phones or be able to contact anyone until they put in their final rankings after pref. We have 12 chapters so its totally possible if you guys have a similar number she won't even end up in one of those sororities.

2
jews4skins•

I don't think it's gonna matter than much, unless if you are gonna marry her.

2
110397•

Sounds like rape. You should carry your mattress with on campus.

2