Source
r/OCPoetry•
argella42

There are no second chances

Feedback Received!

and there are hardly any first ones--
we slip out from between the legs of our mothers
and wonder why we are
alone
and yet, we go on chopping
wood for the fire, knitting
the mittens, milking
the cows, feeding
our children,
and at the end we are surrounded by them
on a fluffy mattress covered in lace and pink flowers
and one of them holds our wrinkled hand,
careful not to displace the catheter,
catechisms flowing from the blue lips
of the first son

as he looks behind himself at the clock on the wall
and his soul vanishes,
he is dead.
before you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/41a6um/coins/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/413i29/self_obscured/

Posted Jan 16, 2016, 11:36 PM UTC

59
ruon212•

I like this poem a lot, the dark turn at the end. It gave me a bit of a shiver actually, I wasn't expecting that. Well done.

3
argella42OP•

thanks! shivers are always my goal :)

1
HateHater77•

I like it, it has a nice reflective and dark vibe to it.

2
doubleplusepic•

That darkest of endings, though! Bleak, but I like bleak. I like the rhythm you hit in the middle with the chopping/milking/feeding. Nicely done.

2
keeganrm•

This has such a cold tone to it from the beginning. It's hard to say I "liked" it, as the whole thing just makes me sad. I don't mean to say it isn't good, because it's great. I think it's got a very moving tone to it. As someone else mentioned, it could give one the shivers.

2
argella42OP•

oh, hello, boy with the blue button up! fancy seeing you here. Thanks for the critique :)

1
CynicalSchoolboy•

Love the bleak, thoughtful feel. Very seldom do I see a poem with a life-death focus that doesn't seem beaten to hell but this actually took an angle that I hadn't experienced before. Powerful stuff. Changed my whole mood.

2
argella42OP•

Yay, I won! Thanks dude.

1
jdonnellyesq•

It is quite a dark poem. I'm sitting here feeling so sad. Nice twist at the end.

1