Monster

I'm clawing my skin
It's the third day since I found myself
banging my head on a metal bar
trying to make it stop
it stop
the knife inches from my belly
the "you're right I'm wrong please stop"
the "psh, it was just a joke anyways"
the "oh, he's just roughhousing, he's just a kid"
the "you should apologize to him- after all, we need him to work and he won't work when he's upset"

It's been 5 years since he held that knife
4 years since the machete came to my neck
held tip to my chest
3 years since I was told that I was the variable
Messing up the algebraic equation of
The parametric paradigm I was
Born into without consent.

This is what family was
And no matter how hard I screamed
Everyone told me this is what family is
Everyone told me that every family
Has skeletons and that mine
Aren't that different but please

It's been three days
Since the same person asked me
"why can't you just confront me when
you feel like I'm hurting you?"

I responded because I'm so scared
so scared
so scared
so scared

bang bang please bang
"just make it stop" my skull
pleaded to the metal bar on
The edge of the futon.

It's been three days and I still
Haven't left my room and I have
only eaten probably a sum 1000 calories
the past three days and I can feel
my body wilting and withering and
He's out enjoying life while I'm hidden under my bed
Waiting for the next earthquake.
He says he's recovered and isn't violent anymore
But if he's recovered how come I'm still covered
In so much anxiety that I can't move without Setting off a red flag saying "RUN"
A red flag saying "THIS ISN'T SAFE THIS ISN'T SAFE"
Because nothing has been ever safe. Not even love is safe-
In the womb we learn that the
cord that feeds you could wrap
Around your neck and choke you
At any moment.

The hardest pill to swallow my whole life has been
the fact that the people who treat you the worst out of anyone
will always get away with it, and to live you have to
Learn to suck it up.
Bandage where you clawed your arms.
Fucking eat something.
You just have bad luck.
And no one is left to pick up the pieces
But you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/41nk0r/taking_my_machines_for_a_walk/cz41pv7

https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/41jwql/clean_your_self_up/cz41v9h