Source
r/OCPoetry•
Glush

OSFED

Feedback Received!

Hi, guys. I haven't written any poems before. I was recently diagnosed with a couple mental disorders - one of them being Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED) - which I've just begun my recovery for. My mind is often clouded with thoughts and I found that writing about my experiences, especially creatively, has helped me. I'm not sure if it'll make sense to someone who hasn't had much exposure to eating disorders, but I'd still like to get some feedback, since I think I'd like to continue writing and this seems like a nice/constructive community. Thanks!

 

Thinning hair and creaking bones

Brittle nails and a stomach that groans

Blood shot eyes and a scratchy throat

Ice cold body in an oversized coat

 

Spinning world and an empty high

Head up somewhere in the sky

Desperately starving for control

Vomit in a toilet bowl

 

Made a mistake, count again

Numbers numbers in my head.

Seeing black, seeing red

What was it that you just said?

 

Broken eyes and a slow heart beat

Can’t stay standing on two feet

Distorted images in the mirror

Diet pills to ease the fear

 

Black coffee and bubble gum

Mind and limbs both go numb

Anything to lose a pound

Even if it puts me in the ground

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/45ydnb/poem_on_a_postit_note/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/45z52v/valentines_day/

Posted Feb 17, 2016, 4:10 AM UTC

26
Thugnastyy•

I really like the darkness that surrounds the poem. It feels real. With that said, I think that the first portion has some wordiness that kind of disrupts the rhyming flow. I really enjoyed this piece

1
GlushOP•

Thank you, it does seem that perhaps the first part is much heavier in adjectives than the rest of the poem. I'll play around with it and see if I can simplify it in a way I like. Thanks for the feedback! :)

1
NaNowhyMo•

I really enjoyed this piece. It's very good for a beginner- you wrote a fantastic poem without relying too much on poetic "rules". There's a sort of visceral darkness to it that really helps the reader relate, and the simple structure helps bring that in to focus. This a poem you feel, even from a totally outside perspective. Keep writing! I hope your recovery goes well.

1
GlushOP•

Thank you for the kind comment! My general interest in poetry is new, I've just started reading and listening to different types. It's been fun! I'm looking forward to learning about the different structures. I sort of just winged this one. haha. Also, I am working with a good doctors, so I'm hoping so too, thank you! :)

1
jiiiveturkay•

Good job man! Great beginner's piece. For the most part you got this form down. I'd recommend rephrasing the last lines of the last two stanzas to fit your syllabic form. But it's not too important. Just an idea. Likewise, line 2 of the 1st stanza, I'd switch it to just "Brittle nails and stomach groans." Just minor things like that, a little tweaking.

I'd be interested to see how you write without adhering to a strict or loose form. Try a bit of prose poetry. It's a great style to just vent.

Good job and good luck! Please keep writing!

1
GlushOP•

Thank you! I will look at the last two lines; I had felt they weren't quite right. I love your suggestion for the 2nd line in the 1st stanza! It's less wordy and more clean looking.

I will look into/try prose poetry! The reason I'm writing is to vent, record my experiences and for fun. I had been journaling for a while, but just plainly recording thoughts/feelings/events started to feel kind of boring and this seems more challenging, creative and interesting.

1