Source
r/OCPoetry•
D_Moriarty

Lost & Found

Feedback Received!

Your arms are stopping me from falling away,
Your mind is the only thing keeping me sane,
A moment, forgotten, driving us on,
Tainted by thoughts of what could go wrong.

Exploring together uncharted ground,
Slightly surprised at what we had found,
I had finally shared every bit of myself,
Defenceless at last, we shared something else.

A moment to taste for moons to come,
Intimate, real and almost too fun,
The world has much more to show you and I,
Let's sit, hold hands and watch time unwind.

feedback 1 feedback 2

Edit:
Your arms are stopping me from falling away,
Your mind is the only thing keeping me sane,
A moment of jealousy driving us on,
Tainted by thoughts of what could go wrong.

Exploring together uncharted ground,
Friendship balanced on one breathless sound,
I had finally shared every bit of myself,
Defenceless at last, we shared something else.

A moment to taste for moons to come,
Intimate, real and almost too fun,
The world has much more to show you and I,
Let's sit, kick back and watch time unwind.

I hope that an edit isn't a faux pas. I have no need for more feedback but thought it might be nice for some of you to see your comments come to fruition!

Posted Feb 18, 2016, 7:41 PM UTC · edited

29
science_bitch_yo•

Wow! Loved the rhyme scheme and the rhythm of the poem. However, I find the poem a little cryptic in the first stanza. Specially these 2 lines.

A moment, forgotten, driving us on,
Tainted by thoughts of what could go wrong.

Really liked the tone of the second paragraph.

Also liked how you used the phrase moons to come to denote a long time.

2
D_MoriartyOP•

Thanks for your feedback! I made a couple of edits based on some of the comments, including making that first stanza less cryptic! Again, thank you for your time :)

1
science_bitch_yo•

Love it :D

2
ItsTheLCD•

I really like this! I can relate to it a bit, besides that my mind is the thing that does not keep me sane. It makes me think of my SO and myself, i just want to sit and see the world with her.

2
TrePismn•

I liked this poem. I'm not a huge fan of the obvious one-syllable rhymes (ground, found, come, fun) - it feels a little too 'in your face'. Also, some points of the poem are hard to comprehend - e.g. "defenceless at last, we shared someone else". Regardless, it piqued my curiosity, so if that was your intention, GJ. Keep it up.

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D_MoriartyOP•

Thanks for your honest feedback, I know what you mean about the rhymes and it's something I'll take into consideration in the future. It was a little late to apply such changes to this, but I'll keep it in mind. I made a couple of edits that may make it a little less muddy, check them out if you'd like :)

1
TheVpp96•

Beautiful thoughts put in very nice poem. It's easy to read but doesn't leave itself boring because of nice choise of words and expressions.

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andrew1849•

I love the way you beautifully connect the words which are supposed to rhyme and the rhythm itself. I would consider changing the

A moment, forgotten, driving us on

as this is a bit confusing

2
D_MoriartyOP•

Your praise humbles me! I fixed it up a little bit based on these comments, feel free to check it out, or feel free not to :) Thank you for your time! I hope to be showing my face around here some more, I'm really enjoying playing with the meter and such

2