Hey! I think we just commented on the same poem a bit ago, and I really liked what you had to say. I would reiterate what I said in response to the other poem, which is that it helps me as a reader when a poet's comments about a piece or any specific feedback requests come *after* the poem rather than before--that way, I can get a clean first read of the piece without an agenda in mind, and especially if the writer has anything negative to say about their own work. I'm coming into this with my own point of view, and when a writer inserts their own POV before I read something, I miss the chance to give genuinely unbiased feedback. And who knows? Maybe I'm going to love it.


I think for the rhyme change at the end to work, the scheme throughout should be more consistent. Where do you want it to be internal, and where do you want it at the end of the line? Do you want consistency of meter as well? For a rhyme shift to pull its weight, I think it helps if the rhyme and meter throughout ar

There's some rhythm/flow issues that I found tripping me up when reading it. 

>Lives led for the bond
>Of boyish laughter and to sing in song

This line messed up the flow, and is awkwardly phrased.

>Parts of men, lost to love
>Dreary dreams, no, behold reality

The second line starts on the same rhythm as the line above it, then abruptly shifts. That can feel jarring to a reader.

>Darkened crust and days left to rust
>Time that torrents, trickles and fails

These are your strongest lines. Very effective imagery.

>And I've come to a bridge I cannot traverse

"Traverse" feels too wordy here. I think the brevity of replacing it with "cross" is more effective and works better as an ending. Or maybe rewrite it as:

    I will never be the one for you
    I've come to a bridge I cannot cross
    My return is long overdue.

Basically just trimming some fat.

I think it's pretty good. It needs a little more rhythm in certain parts, "...laughter and to sing in song..." is a bit choppy, as is, :...dreary dreams, no, behold reality...," to me at least. I like the poem though, it speaks to me, as I have no doubt it does many others. 


Feels kinda Poe-ish to me. I worry it might be cheesy or corny, so let me know! Also note the rhyming change at the end, does it work? I also feel the ending isn't nearly as good as the first half, but we are always overly critical of our own work. Thank you for taking the time to read this one. 

You were not there in my darkest hour  
Heard, seen - but left when things turned sour  
Regrets of actions taken, torment - you weren't mistaken  
Lives led for the bond  
Of boyish laughter and to sing in song  
Parts of men, lost to love  
Dreary dreams, no, behold reality  
Darkened crust and days left to rust  
Time that torrents, trickles and fails  
Red sun cannot pierce the veil  
Oh, how could I make it worse?  
I will never be the one for you  
And I've come to a bridge I cannot traverse  
My return is long overdue.  







1. https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/46rg2j/ideation/d07c8ea
2.https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/46r9dn/how_am_i/d07ce9n

Darkest Hour