Am I a trans woman in denial?

I feel indifferent towards my body. I don't hate it but I always want it to look as feminin as possible. I have a very feminin character but I would definitely not want to be an alphagirl. I guess I'm butch. I keep thinking about being a girl for years now but I've never been affected by these feelings so much as for the last 6 months. I had the feelings on and off before. Socially I don't really suffer that much from being male , it's rather that I feel so confused when I think about my face and the disconnection with my feelings. I also love guys but I don't want them to be gay. I could never see myself with a gay guy because I don't identify as gay. I love alphamales and I feel sad often that I wasn't born female. I wouldn't want an operation but I would be cool to look like a woman. It's scary and exciting both at the same time. I want to look like a girl but I don't want to look like a complete stranger with a new face and what not. I want to be an upgraded version of myself. Maybe look like a female relative or so. I don't think it's just a fantasy since I really feel a mismatch between how I feel and how I look and it leaves me with confusion. Sometimes I see a girl in the mirror while others say that they see a male. I could be imagining these things though. If a slow transformation without any pain involved was a possibility I would probably be happy to live as an upgraded version of myself with a penis. I'm not doing crossdressing or something in that style since I don't feel any need to do so. Hanging out with the girls and being one of them is something I always feel so much excitement about when thinking about it. I don't want to go through to much pain and I'm 23 which means that I already have to much luggage to carry with me anyway. I am a very sexual person as well. I watch Tgirl porn on Pornhub and I love the videos where I could pretend to be a submissive Tgirl. It feels weird imagining other people to refer to me with female pronouns and talking about me as a girl. Living as one full time sounds all fun to me though. Even the not so funny parts. Just wanted to share. Maybe I'm just gay in denial or maybe I'm trans in denial. Not so sure why this eats at me.