My[24/f] Complicated friendship/relationship dynamics: Abusive female friend[24/f] is still one of my boyfriend's [26/m] best friends. How do I address this? / am I overreacting.

Hey reddit, I have a bit of a problem and this semi-anonymous space seems to be the safest way to get real advice about it.

tl;dr: my current partner (of 2-3yrs) is still in contact with an ex-friend of mine who was verbally abusive to me. When I have brought up how much it bothers me, he says "it's funny that you two hate each other", and low key I think he suspects I'm just jealous of her (he had feelings for her in the past).

I don't want to be the "psycho girlfriend" who demands her partner to cut off communications w/ female friends or ex partners. On the same hand, I have been trying to cut off this scary / abusive / toxic friend out of my life since we had a falling out, and because she is one of his good friends it's impossible.

The Story: All names in the story are pseudonyms and I may have changed some details to protect identities.

It started about 3 years ago. Alice, me and Bobby were all good friends because we all worked at the same restaurant downtown (they both/most people in the story eventually left at different times, but I still work there). Alice was a manager, Bobby was my roommate. We were all friends. Alice is really funny, but also really mean. Stupidly I thought it was a good idea to bond w/ coworkers over shit talk. It was fun, but every knows that it just creates bad vibes + spaces. This is before me and Bobby started hooking up, but we were all good friends.

Randall, another coworker and Alice started dating about a year later. We all work the same closing shift, so often go out for drinks together. Me and Randall bond over writing / creative stuff… and we all bond over drinking (sigh yes I know bad again). Since we're all coworkers just getting a drink after work, I don't really get the whole "third wheel" vibe. I even ask every time I come over if it's kosher to hang out- otherwise I just peace out.

Randall and Alice start going on the rocks, and this is where shit hits the fan. Behind my back, they would make fun of me to each other and to other coworkers. Then Alice started becoming obsessed with shitting on me when we were drinking together. Multiple times they would just start yelling at me about how stupid I was while we were hanging out drinking, especially if I disagreed with them on some random opinion. At the same time, she was shit talking other coworkers, calling them things like "only good for stealing your boyfriend" / "idiot with a good heart" , etc. She would usually seek out other women to make fun of cruelly, but low-key insults were for everybody.

She started assuming I was trying to fuck her over every time I came to a party where she was too. I was a bit rowdy at some parties we went to, but only when everyone else was. She kicked me out of Randall's going away party because she thought I threw shit into the neighbors yard (when I threw it into a trash can, in the yard I was in). Instead of clearing up the issue when it happened, she spent an hour shit talking people to my back at the party for this thing I didn't actually do, and then screaming in my face "WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY?" after it had been enough time that many people weren't even aware of what happened. She even started screaming at me at work when she would mishear what I said, and assume I was insulting her.

I have talked to her and other friends about the conflict between us but she consistently refuses to acknowledge ANYTHING she did is problematic, and plays total victim or " I was just drunk, I'm not gonna apologize for that.". What bothers me the most is that she won't admit that she just MADE UP a lot of the stories she shit-talks to other people regarding me. This turns everything into a she said / she said conversation instead of a serious discussion. I would be down to talk it out to just a neutral, but she will absolutely not apologize- and I really don't think it's worth my time and sanity to "fix" the friendship that was as toxic as it was.

Basically, I know it's "muddy water" in some ways with who is right or wrong. It's been over 6 months since the initial conflict and I don't think (or care, really) that our dispositions to each other are going to change any time soon. I also know she has a trail of female friendships that just ended abruptly with a "never contact me again" vibe, so I suspect this is a pattern of hers.

The big thing is I'm trying to move on and be a better person-- new friends who have conversations about stuff other than shitting on other people, not getting drunk as often, and trying to work more on my art.

I really love and care about my partner, but his closeness with Alice drives me up the wall. I'm not jealous or suspicious that there is anything between them. But it really bothers me that she is still such a large part of my life because he's always texting her.

What really bothers me is that it feels like he doesn't take what happened to me and the abuses of friendship I suffered seriously. This person, Alice, I considered one of my best friends. She used that to insult me, hurt me and drag my name through the mud to feel better about herself. I felt so hurt and betrayed by this person, and my partner just laughs it off as "in-fighting" or just some weird joke where neither Alice or my feelings/ pain count for anything.

Is this situation as bad as it makes me feel? Should I just resolve myself to put up with it?

• I would love some perspective on this, and also any tips on how to go about addressing the concerns I have without coming off like "psycho controlling girlfriend".... I just want my boyfriend to understand the fucked up shit I went through and to take my issue seriously (x_x)