Before I go dark.

For title clarification purposes I'm currently in the process of deactivating and uninstalling all my social media outlets. Those being Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. On top of that I'd like to apologize in advance if what I'm about to say seems incoherent. I've always been pretty poor at conveying my thoughts into words. For a little backstory I've never made a discussion post or thread of my own here. The main reason for that is not feeling like I've had anything worthwhile to contribute. I now feel like I do and I hope the following is the least bit relate-able to some of you. Now I don't want the following to seem like a pity story either. I just wanted an outlet to express my thoughts and provide a story as to why we all must keep fighting. Regardless of how many times we fall aka relapse.

So I've been trying this NoFap thing for about 2 years on and off now. Never really taking it as seriously as one should. Currently I'm in the homestretch of my run at community college. Finishing up my second, but technically third year and should be graduating come May. I come from a home schooled high school background. Meaning I haven't had any irl friends in years. I've grown accustom to being on my own and it's never really bothered me. I think the dopamine from all the fapping and having at least some internet friends has played a great big part in suppressing any feelings of loneliness. Outside of work and school (in classes) I don't socialize. I've genuinely tried in the past, but I think my naturally cold demeanor and poor social skills has made it harder to connect to people. All that aside, just yesterday I had an interaction in my photography class that had a great emotional impact on me and put all of this into perspective. Let it be known at the time I was only two days into NoFap. My badge is a lie. I failed a long time ago and just forgot to reset before the break. Now this class is a once week and this was our fourth or fifth meet up this semester. It's a small class with only about <15 of us in it. Like your typical social reject I sit in the back of the class as far away from most people as possible. So I'm not within anyone's FoV except the instructors. And within my time there I have not had the pleasure of communicating with anyone outside of assignments that called for it and one brief instance about camera talk with the person who sits nearest to me.

Yesterday was a little bit different since unbeknownst to nearly all of us there was a fair/parade/ happening on our campus. Typically in this class we're given a assignment and we are given allotted time to go out and shoot for it. Being me I normally just throw my earbuds in and go to work. It was different because we weren't given any specific instructions and were just told we were all going to this event together. Shoot what you want. For whatever reason one of the girls in my class decided she was going to hang out with me at this parade. Keep in mind we've never talked before this and she seemingly has a friend in the class she tends to partner up with. We ended up spending the one to two hours shooting photos and making small talk. Which I'm awful at. In short I may be making things out bigger than they actually are. The point I wanted to make is that for whatever this encounter was worth it meant a lot to me emotionally. As I mentioned earlier I don't interact with people on a level like that outside of the actual classroom or work. So to have someone who went out of their way to want to get to know me greatly impacted my state of mind.

TL;DR I experienced a small social interaction yesterday that reminded me why this whole thing is worthwhile and I just needed somewhere to self express. Getting to experience meaningful conversations or moments is a huge part of life. Also regardless of how many times you fail, as long as you get back up, and make an attempt you're still in the fight. Anyways I hope this post made the least bit of sense and positively impacted at least one of you. Keep up the effort, persevere, and transform your dreams into reality! Later everyone! I'm going dark.

Quick shoutout to a man taken well before his time. R.I.P. Dr. Derg. Your legacy lives on.