New to reddit and this group. I'm kind of freaking right now. (support, advice tw:gaslighting, psychological torture) did I do that right?

I'm 55, have not had civil contact with my N 'mother' in 25 years. I thought I had moved past everything and gotten on with my life, but the past few years have shown me I really haven't. She was physically and emotionally abusive and I have struggled with life long depression (although I was recently told it was really PTSD). My very earliest memories are of fear. I was afraid if she just walked into a room. As a toddler, that was my reaction to her.

There is so much I need to talk about. I am seeing a therapist with the local mental health next month. (it takes 6 weeks to get an appointment.)

But what has me freaking out right now, is that I was reading the rules and wasn't sure what they meant by gaslighting. I know what is in general, but not how it pertains to this group. So I clicked on the definition and explanation. I'm freaking out because there is a word for what she did to me. It is real.

She made me doubt my own reality. That is gaslighting, right?

It started with the 'lie bump'. If something happened, she would ask who did it and no one would confess, so she looked in our mouths for a 'lie bump'. And it was always in my mouth. Always. Sometimes I was the only one accused and sometimes she also looked in my brother and sister's mouth, but it was always found in mine and that meant I was lying. She did this every since I can remember.

For the longest time, I thought I was this horrible retched person who had something wrong with them, because I was doing all the bad stuff and did not remember it.

I finally realized the 'lie bump' was a lie, when I accidentally bit my cheek and she later claimed it was a lie bump. But by then, doubting myself was so deeply ingrained. I still second guess myself.

Her other form of 'testing for a lie' was the 'Indian nerve test'. She would get a small bowl of water and make us take turns putting our finger in it. If it shook and the water rippled, that was our conscience telling on us.

Since I was always the one who got the beating, and I was terrified of her, my finger always shook. Every single time.

I even started confessing to things I had not done because she promised if I confessed to it, whatever it was, the 'whipping' wouldn't be as bad. But it was.

But I was so afraid of what the worst would be, I'd confess anyway. Because I was the one going to get the beating regardless.

And even today, even though I know it was all BS, a part me always wonders if I really did do something. There is always that doubt. That second guessing. That secret fear that I did and just don't remember.

That is gaslighting, right? Or is it psychological torture? or both. I don't know why it freaked me out so much reading the definition.

(If I didn't post this right, I apologize)