Obsessive thoughts about AP and impatience with SO, does it stop? Vent post

How long before I stop thinking of my AP every day, all the time? Do you ever still have occasional contact or is it always a NC?

I'm the one who is fading. (I have told him many times why, but we just have different needs.) Still I like our meets so much that I was willing to keep meeting him just for the physical aspec, but I needed us to talk about "us" and acknowledge the situation. (Been seeing him almost weekly since August) but he responded with we needed to end it. As usual (I've told him that's hurtful) and yet he initiated contact again the following week.

I was weak and met him a few more times, knowing I had a major surgery coming up which would force us to stop seeing each other. I am now 4 weeks post surgery (no sex for 2 more weeks) and I'm working so hard at trying not to think of him. If I'm busy, I'm good for a few hours, but the thoughts of him always come creeping back. I try mindfulness, and even some CBT techniques, but it's tiring. I wish it would just stop. We've had some contact, but I'm mostly unavailable on purpose now. Hoping and dreading the thought of no contact altogether at the same time. How messed up is that?

I really want to make things work at home too, but my problem is that I've never been physically attracted to my husband. We are really good friends, same goals and 3 kids. And he worships me, but has no self esteem so it's like having a puppy dog follow me around... Sexually we've perfected the 5 minute missionary position for the last 17 years. (I love to be dominated which is what my AP did and it was amazing.)

The problem is that I get really impatient and frustrated with my husband now that I'm not seeing my AP anymore. My SO does everything to make me happy and I'm just annoyed. Then I feel bad because he doesn't deserve that. I want to return the affection and love, but it's hard. I am not successful in forcing it, but I'm trying. My kids are my world though and our everyday is seemingly "happy" and we have a fully functional everyday life. A divorce would come as a shock and nightmare for everybody and I can't do that to them. Which is also why the cheating had to stop, I don't want to risk my family just for a physical need and an emotional roller coaster.

This became a long rant, I'm sorry. I appreciate the forum as an outlet and reading all the posts on here has been life-saving the last 6 months.

Edit to add: I just re-read my own post and man I'm pathetic and whiny. Sorry, I should be grateful for what I have and I've chosen this path and struggling with letting go is the price to pay at the moment. Honestly it's probably a small price compared to getting caught.