I [22F] just realised that my Dad has been abusing my family for decades.

Sorry this is crazy long. Context is important.

So my Dad has always been hot tempered, for as long as I can remember my family has been making excuses for his outbursts. As kids he would scream at us (my older sister [25F] and I) when we fell over and hurt ourselves, later he would say it was because we had hurt our 'beautiful faces'. I don’t know a time where I haven’t been scared of him. My mum [54] has always made excuses for him. Including the time my sister and I were grounded for 2 weeks for peeling the plastic off the battery, screaming at my mum because she was making dinner too loudly, screaming at my grandma because he refused to come over to our house and make lunch for him everyday my mum was at work the list is nearly endless. Despite this totally crazy behaviour I was always a huge 'daddy's girl' and I honestly think this has really contributed to my delusion to who he really is.

My parents always made me really aware of my weight as a kid and that fuelled an eating disorder I am still dealing to this day. Since I can remember my weight was always an issue with them. They always used the excuse that I should lose weight incase other kids bullied me. I never really got teased for being fat, because really I was only a little bit chubby.

As we have gotten older the arguments have always escalated and his nature has become a lot more manipulative. For a long time he tried, and in some cases succeeded, to pit me and my sister against each other. The worst argument I have ever witnessed was a couple of years ago it ended in him screaming at the top of his lungs over and over again at my sister 'You're a cunt!'. 3 days later my sister left the house with the few possessions she had, to live in a mould infested flat.

Over the years my sister and I have thrown a few unexpected situations their way, us both having minor mental health issues and dyslexia, me being a lesbian, having an eating disorder and my parents have dealt with those situations terribly. Just off the top of my head he has told me to kill myself, that he wishes I wasn't gay, that he doesn't consider LGBTQ people 'men and women', that I was selfish for getting counselling, that no one would love me if I didn't lose weight, I could go on. We have spent our entire lives living up to his expectations of us.

Over this christmas we lost my grandma, who we were very close to, and it’s brought a lot of things to my attention. Even around her death bed he was complaining that he wanted to go home, making inappropriate jokes he heard on family guy and trying to guilt my mum to stop active treatment and let her die.

Less than 2 days after she died my Dad who unfortunately is also my boss demanded I go back to work and that I had already taken enough time off. The two days I took off where the last day of her life and then the day after she died. I admit I for the first time in my life TOTALLY lost it, I said absolutely everything I have ever wanted to say to him and I haven’t spoken to him since. In that moment and that moment alone I wasn’t scared. After this he convinced my mum to exclude me from all of the funeral planning. He even demanded that he speak at her funeral even though she barely liked him. Before you recommend he goes to therapy, he never will. He would rather lose his two daughters than get help.

Since this last argument I have spoken to my mum once, she took this opportunity to tell me how ungrateful I am and how all my dad has ever done is love me and protect me and support me. And at least he never hit us. This is total bullshit. I told her the minute she opened her eyes and saw him for who he truly was she would be free. The argument ended in her calling me a conniving bitch. She is totally under his thumb and I honestly feel sorry for her. At the same time when I look at her I don’t see my loving mother anymore, I see someone who has witnessed the abuse of her two children and never, not once stepped to tell him what he was saying was wrong. Thinking about this makes me so depressed sometimes I think about slitting my wrists.

She since has put all her efforts into convincing me not to leave their business because without me there essentially is no business. However they pay me peanuts, no where near the amount I would need to move out, which right now is my priority.

The only good this is my life is my sister and brother in law [29M] if I wasn’t for them I don’t know where I would be right now. They aren’t in a position to house me or hire me so right now they just provide a safe space for me to relax a day or so a week and all I ever do is cry on their sofa. I feel like a total burden on them.

I feel so confused, so many things I thought were solid have changed all at once. I feel overwhelmed with grief for my grandma, and I keep having anxiety attacks.

Some of you might not consider emotional abuse actual abuse but I can only say that my sister my mum and I all show serious symptoms of his behaviour.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. I’m at my wits end.

tldr: I have a realisation about my Dad’s lifelong behaviour and have since been ostracised by my family.