Just discovered this sub

I dont know why I hadn't looked before for a sub to help me deal with some unresolved things I have and aren't sure if there's really much help out there for me. I've had a couple therapists tell me that if I didn't get much help from talking about things I should stop, one even suggested I go through a PTSD type thing when talking about it. Typing I find to me more easy.

I guess I just can't make sense of it all still? I was 8 and a half and I didn't know she wasn't going to get better because no one told me what a hospice actually was. I feel like every opportunity for me to say goodbye was taken away (my dad kept my brother and I from attending her funeral for religious reasons). When I was 18 we spread her ashes which was some sort of closure but now I find myself in my late 20's with no idea what I'm doing with my life and 3000 miles away from my family. What does everyone else do? call their parents? My dad and I have had a nonexistent relationship since he sued me over some business dealings about 4 years ago and I found it so hard to live near him that I've now isolated myself from all my friends, realized I potentially let "the one" get away and I think it's got a lot to do with the fact I'm so terrified that all of a sudden someone is just going to drop out of my life that I do it first...and it sucks because now I'm in a state where I dont know anyone, pining for an ex love that may or may not return my emails, and feeling like I have no direction in my life.

I dont feel connected to the people around me, everyone I know meets people via twitter or okcupid but I grew up being told that the internet is full of strange people who lie and it's really hard to shake that feeling.

I feel like I'm just kind of zombieing through life, I'm social but I'm bad at keeping up with people...I've run half marathons, I've hiked mountains, I ride motorcycles, I went and got a degree...nothing seems to help.

I guess I'm wondering if this lost feeling will ever go away...I recently came across some diaries that could give me more insight on who she was and maybe it will help me understand who I am. I haven't been brave enough to read them yet.