BumHam: Something Borrowed

We did it guys, BumHam is gone, high fives all around.

Well not really, he actually lived about 45 miles away but the Family thought it was best to give him a pre-paid bus pass rather than a vehicle. Gram paid for a telephone to be installed in his apartment so she could check on him and listen to him complain about walking to the bus and starving 'cause the cafeteria closed during his last class of the day.

Before long things got quiet and Gram was itching to meddle. "He had a girl there, his age this time, she wants to pay his bills that's okay" Gram relayed over the phone tree with her Sisters. I think a small part of her was relieved but mostly she worried. "The house was clean, they look happy. I did ask if she was knocked up, they laughed so that's a good sign."

BumHam became a rare sight with his new girlfriend. BabyBro had graduated high school and got a job working with Uncle. MiddleBro was nearing a degree and was seeing to a local internship. Before long I was the only one stirring things up around the place making Gram sick thinking about me driving the property on an ATV Uncle had fixed up as my middle school graduation gift.

In usual form BumBum called to interrupt the peace.

"He said they filed for a marriage certificate" Uncle said teasingly "Probably knocked her up."

"Probably" Gram agreed.

and they were right.

A bouncing baby meal ticket - er girl - again.

At least, this time, BumHam was properly married and his wife wasn't without means. She dropped school to go full time at her job. Bummy continued going to classes, wanting to "be home for the baby" when it arrived.

Just in case Gram collected what remained of the baby stuff from the previous encounter. A crib, stroller, the works. She hauled it out there and wished them luck, simultaneously marveling at the thought of them making it and bracing herself if they didn't.

They did.

At first.

A year would pass, BumHam often came home for visits when the responsibilities of being a Husband and Father became too much. If he spent more than a day getting comfortable in front of the TV Gram would chase him out the door and to the bus stop with some pocket change and a scolding.

It became routine until one day Gram receives a call from the County Jail.

In less than a month BumHam would serve time in Jail, have a restraining order placed against him, divorce papers served, and probation issued to his residence. Since being locked up for your own doing isn't a legitimate excuse for missing class and he had no job BumHam just beached his self in the apartment until the electricity went out and eviction proceedings went through.

Gram gets another call from County, this time from a Sheriff Deputy, having been dispatched to remove BumHam from his place of residence. After being given the sob story about being on probation and unable to go elsewhere the Sheriff takes BH to the Manager's Office to call someone to take responsibility for him. After getting a hold of Bummy's Probation Officer she's on her way.

The two meet at his apartment, the Sheriff takes leave allowing the Officer to take over on the promise he'll have him out. With Gram in tow BumHam leads the way upstairs to get his things. The door sweeps a mound of discarded trash behind it, stopping short of the wall. BumHam is stepping on or over a carpet of trash around the living room. Neither her or the Probation Officer enter.

Ham makes his way from a far room with an armload of clothes.

"Is that everything?" Gram asks concerned.

"I don't have a bag" BumHam confesses.

Gram bulldozes through the mess and into the kitchen opening cupboards left and right. The place is empty with the exception of the trash. "I'll be right back, is that okay?" Gram asks the PO. He asks how long and she tells him she's running to the store next door. He nods and she's off.

Returning with boxes of garbage bags, a broom, and a dust pan. She scoops whatever she can into the bags attempting to tidy the room with a ferocity while BH gathers his clothes in the bedroom. He settles for two bags full and decides he wants nothing more. By then Gram has accumilated four bags of her own in the living room to be discarded. BumHam begins to decend the stairs with his garbage bags and she asks, "Where are you going?"

"I'm getting in the car" he responds puzzled.

"You're taking out this trash. Put your bags away and get back up here. She furiously sweeps to the PO's amazement and makes her way into the bathroom. "Jeezus Christ" she can be heard muttering.

"What we gotta' clean up for?" BH asks upon entering "They're just gonna throw it all out anyway."

"Because goddamn you, this is your mess, how embarassing" she says poking her head out the door to emphasize that her eyebrows are knotted.

"They're probably going to charge you for clean up anyway, maybe you don't want to spend your time here" the PO reasons. Despite herself, Gram agrees he's probably right and leaves the bathroom to make BumHam carry what they have gathered already to the dumpster. She thanks the Probation Officer for his time and patience and promises to deliver BumHam straight to his Father where his probation term will be carried out.

Back Home

Uncle has been trying to figure out what's going on and scrambling to ready a room for a Son he is not prepared to deal with again.

After talking with his, now, ex Daughter-in-law he finds out BumHam pulled the same deal, expecting to be waited on and getting pissy when he wasn't the center of attention. What he didn't realize is that he was dealing with a Woman this time and one who paid the bills. His only card to play was that the apartment was in his name, so she'd call his bluff and leave, and he'd have to tend to his own slough without any comforts a home caught up on bills provides.

BumHam hadn't been coming to visit, he'd been coming to freeload.

The Ex apologized for not coming to the Family, Uncle stops her there, none of this is her fault we all know how he is. She is at once relieved but through tears tells him she's pregnant again and pretty far along. She is ashamed of herself and sorry to put this on anyone. The entire incident that put BumHam in jail was him trying to beat an abortion out of her.

By the time she leaves, and Gram arrives with BH, Uncle is ready to kill.

...So BumHam is staying with Gram temporarily.