I am pathetic.

Hey. I don't even know why I am writing this. Point is I always feel like shit. It has been like that for a year and a half. I hate myself and everything that has to do with me, everytime something bad happens to me I say to myself "I had it coming, it is all my fault". Everyday it is harder and harder to endure the anxiety and the feelings of guilt I get for nothing. And when I say for nothing it is really nothing. I went to a psychologist 5 months ago or so, and she diagnosed me with OCD. I went there not only because I could barely sleep for the previous months but because I had a really bad breakdown. Long story short, I have a lovely boyfriend and for some reason one day I woke up and I was sure I had cheated on him only I didn't remember. So I asked everyone I usually go out with but obviously I did nothing. Seems crazy right? Thing is, it is happening again. A couple of days ago I went out with some friends and I drank some beer. I got a little drunk but I remember perfectly every detail of the night. And even though I didn't cheat on my boyfriend, the following day I woke up convinced of it (same story "what if I don't remember but it happened?" Although I don't have any memory loss and asked and I actually didn't do shit XD) And even though everyone told me I didn't do anything, and I am also sure of it I feel bad. I feel like I did something horrible. Only the thought of it makes my brain believe it and it is killing me. And it is not only with this, every single day I obsses over any other mistake I did in my past, I can't let go, I can't forgive myself. Every day is darker and harder to endure, and this "breakdowns" are getting worse over time. I don't feel like going to theraphy because I am ashamed of feeling like this, I made an appointment a couple of months ago but the day of the visit I told myself "well, I am not really that bad" so I didn't go. I talked about this with my boyfriend several times, but he is getting pissed off lately, like "no, not again please" So I don't really feel like talking to him that much about it anymore since I don't want him to feel bad because of me. (Which makes me feel even worse) And yeah, I have been thinking about killing myself a lot lately, but I can't do it for my boyfriend and my mother. Which is funny because I feel this bad because I think I make one shit of a girlfriend and daughter (so they should be better without me?). And mostly because I am convinced I can only make suffer the people I care about.

It is either stop this or induce myself a coma, but I can't take this anymore, neither mentally or physically.

So... Any advice?