The Cronicles Of Kingdom Douche: Cycling Disasters

Just one to satisfy your cravings, this is about when King Douche bought a pushbike to get to and from work.

Now, this guy was new to bicycles, we later found out that he'd more or less been welded to the couch after he was shat into creation by his mother and spoiled rotten. So he actually had to put in a bit of practice in how to bicycle. He had no goddamn clue as to how to pop the front wheel: amount of punctures he suffered in his first few weeks were ridiculous. Anyway, he had utterly zero road sense or spatial awareness, you'll see later.

Punctures aside, his first accident was when he was negotiating the dotted paving stones you see at crossings, he'd managed to put the wheels in line with the dots, and due to his inability to pop a wheelie, wound up going arse over tit when he tried to turn the handlebars! Saw the whole thing on the bus into work, just about everyone in utter stitches seeing a flying planet. Claimed he was gonna sue Aberdeen City Council for putting in hazardous pavements, we got another good laugh when we overheard him screaming down the phone at them.

He did that a lot, getting into accidents, and screaming at his insurance company, or other parties he decided were liable for his accidents. Fuckin entitled spoilt bastard behaviour, canna stick it.

Last year, King Douche was relating the sorry tale of how his bicycle was smashed up, honest to Christ, totally playing the victim card, his story growing so many arms and legs it became tentacles and called itself Chtulhu. From what I managed to piece together, he run up the arse of a van turning a corner, he's screaming for the guy to stop as he's coming down the hill at full tilt. Claims he's got the number plate and is gonna have the driver done for common assault for running him over. The cops almost busted him for wasting police time. All the time with this cretin, always the victim, it's never his fault.

And then to put the icing on the cake, he managed to knock over a whole tray of lab glassware sitting on the sink area and attempt to blame yours truly for putting said tray there, causing an unavoidable hazard. Yes, me who's spent the last two hours doing water contents on the other side of the lab. What the actual fuck.