Unpublishable
I'm crying again, and I don't know why. Well, I mean, I don't know why, specifically. It could be a lot of things. I've had a rough couple weeks. Broke up with Alice. Almost got fired. Got caught writing at work, and it was immediately obvious that I hadn't made any progress on that ridiculous project that Kevin put me on. But I finished my second novel... And then showed it to my publisher, a story that I thought was something new, different, unique, profound even. Said it was unpublishable. The fuck? And a thousand other little things like getting knocked down by a biker on the sidewalk. I was fine. I tried to stop some old guy from cutting in front of me in line at the supermarket, and like everybody else in line flipped out at me. I lost $100. In five $20 bills. I don't even know how that happens. I called my mom, and she said she was busy and would call back but never did. I guess I could have called her back... I don't know, it's just been a lot.
So yeah, here I am standing on a path overlooking the park. It's raining. I feel like I can't move. And I'm crying. I'm crying in the fucking rain for apparently no reason. And everything that's been happening to me lately, I'm not even sad about it. Mostly I just feel like numb or angry or something. Like Alice, what a fucking relief that that mess is done. Work. I hate my job. I want to get fired. If anything I'm kinda mad they didn't fire me. Kevin, my boss, he cares, and I just don't. At all. I feel like I'm letting him down or something. He's a good guy. But yeah, I'm not sad about the situation. The bit about the novel, that was a blow. But I'm just like brimming with anger about the whole thing. I'll find another publisher. It's whatever. But mmmm. I want to just break something anything. But here I am in the middle of the park in the rain and I'm just crying and now I want to throw my hands up in the air and just shatter every little raindrop into a thousand pieces.
But how can you be angry when you are just sad? It's like what's the point even of being angry? It's this sort of wave of sadness. It almost like crept up on me. I mean, I felt like I needed to take a walk and just be outside. It wasn't raining so hard when I first went outside, but I just kept walking the harder it started to rain and I didn't turn around. I felt like I couldn't. And then I stopped here in the park, and it was raining really hard at this point. And my clothes got soaked, are still soaked. And then just this wave of like sadness hits me seemingly out of nowhere, and then next thing I know, I'm just crying. And I'm mad at myself too that I'm crying. I feel like such a child.
"Does he know we were sleeping together?" Jefferson asks.
"No." Alice pauses a second before she replies. "I don't think he knows."
"You ended things?"
"Yes, we're done..." Alice has a pained look of concentration on her face, like she's trying to remember the specifics of something she wants to forget. "I think I might have handled it worse than I could have."
"Hmm?"
"You're depressed all of the time, and I don't think we can keep doing this anymore, because every time I try to get close to you, you just push me away, and I really don't know why I keep trying, and it's not like we love each other-"
"I, I'm sorry, I just, I think I could fall in love with-"
"Stop it, you're not going to. You don't know what you want, and you don't even love yourself, so how can you love me? Look, we had a lot of fun, I think that's all it was, just fun between us, and if we try to stay together now, it's probably more because you just don't want to be alone with yourself, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think you are ok being alone, and when I'm with you, you just cling to me, like I'm a life preserver to save you from yourself, and I can't be that for you, I can't take it, and we're not even having sex-"
"We can have sex-"
"No. I mean, that's part of it, but that's not it, it's the emotional manipulation, it's you trying to make me be this thing that you need and not just loving me for who I am, and I keep asking myself if you are even capable of love, and I thought I might have been able to fall in love with you at one point, but that was a long time ago now, and I'm tired of trying, trying to get you to open up and just be yourself and learn to love me for who I am, and, and, and I don't know, Mike. I just don't know."
A pause and Mike continues. "Alice, look. Look at me. I know I'm a lot sometimes. But can we try?"
"We've tried and we've tried and we've tried, or I guess I should say that I tried because I'm not convinced that you have-"
"I-"
"I'm not finished. Listen to me, Mike. We aren't going anywhere, what do you think this is between us?, we are both young, and we don't need to settle for something that isn't fun anymore for either of us, and now, now I can't believe you were just telling me that you thought you could fall in love with me, this whole time you've been so emotionally distant, and now all of a sudden when we are having a big fight, and I think I'm wanting to break up-"
"Break up?"
"Yes. I think we-"
"I thought we were just-"
"Mike listen to me, when I say that things are not working, I don't mean that I think we should make them work, I mean that I think we should stop trying, and here you are trying to tell me you love me or something, and it's not because you love me but it's because you just want to like avoid a fight or really talking about our feelings or something like that, and all I can think to myself is what's wrong with you? and then what's wrong with me for putting up with this bullshit for so long and trying like why am I trying? I mean what's wrong with you, Mike? What's wrong? How can you be this way?"
Mike stares into the air above Alice's right shoulder and doesn't say anything.
"So yes, I think we should break up, and no, we don't love each other, and no I can't be the one to fix you or try to anymore, and sometimes, Mike, we just have to walk away, and I..."
"What? You what?"
"I don't know what else to say."
"I think you should leave."
Alice looks away, and she might have tears in her eyes. "This isn't easy for me Mike, you know. I do care about you."
"I think if you think we should break up then I think you should leave."
She turns her head back and faces Mike. "I think this is for the best."
They look into each other's eyes, but Mike doesn't say anything.
After a couple moments, Alice makes a halfhearted smile. "Goodbye, Mike. Please don't call me or text me or anything."
"I thought we might have had something Alice, but clearly I was wrong. Like I don't even know where all of this is coming from. I know we were not great, but I thought things were getting better. I thought... You know, I don't know what I thought. Please leave. And don't worry. I won't call."
"Goodbye, Mike."
Alice closes the door behind her. She had waited to see if Mike would say anything back. He didn't. He waited and listened until the door clicked in the frame, and then he walked over to the door and locked it. The lock makes an audible sound on the other side. If Alice were still there, she would hear it. But maybe she had already left, running from the door, unable to contain the tears anymore. Mike stood a couple inches from the door for a minute or two. And then he turned around and stood for another couple minutes. And then he sat down on the floor. It wasn't long before he was lying down on his side on the hard floor.
"What a bitch... What a bitch... What a fucking waste of time..."
"Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Umm. How are you doing?"
"I'm doing well, Mike. I'm at work. Is it urgent?"
"No, not really."
"Ok, well, I'll be home in a few hours. Why don't you call then?"
"Ok, Mom."
"I love you, honey."
"Love you too."
click
"I broke up with Alice..."
"Hey Jefferson?"
"Hmm?"
"I think I need to break up with Mike." Alice leaned up in bed and propped herself on one arm.
"If you think that's a good idea, then I think you should." To Alice Jefferson exudes a certain wisdom and stability.
"Yes. I think so."
"Good." Jefferson leans in to kiss Alice, but she pulls back.
"Are you worried about him? Mike, I mean. He's... I don't know. I'm just worried about him."
"He sent me his new novel a few days ago."
"Oh?"
"I don't know what to think about it, but I can't publish it."
"What do you mean?" Alice asks.
"Well, how to phrase this? I've always looked out for the kid. If it wasn't for me advocating for him, none of the others would have gone for his novel. It was good, but not great. I think I saw something in him. I'm sure you did too."
"I did..."
"He's intelligent, yes, but his work doesn't have much depth. I'm trying to think of the best way to explain it. When you've read a lot, and I've had to read a lot in my profession, from some of the most awful attempts at prose to works that are nothing short of genius, you can start to pick out who's got talent, even in an early work that might look like it's not much. And... You read Mike's novel?"
"Yes. But he never wanted to talk about it..."
"Yes, that wouldn't surprise me. His first work was good but nothing spectacular. I thought I saw something there though. I thought maybe he would develop into a talent. He'd never be one of the greats. He'd never get to the level of non-readers knowing his name, mistaking him for a television celebrity or a politician. No. But perhaps, I was thinking then, some readers, who read a lot, out of compulsion more than a casual sense of pleasure or enjoyment I think, these readers would come across his work, and stop and talk about how he's definitely not as good as say a Joyce or Faulkner. But he'd be in the conversation."
"You think that about him? Mike?"
"Well, I did. Alice, there's something about great literature. It has depth, profound depth. Real literature is something you can keep coming back to and find something new every time. Real literature you get lost in but at the same time it helps you find your place in the world. Mike's first work was superficial, but there were moments, brief moments, when I thought he was touching on something deeper. I felt that he was afraid to go there though. I felt that he was refusing to move beyond stylistic tricks and a simple story, but there was this impression that he was circling around some profound truths without quite touching on them, and that's something. I think with some time and nurturing, he could write something deeply true. I was hoping to help him get there."
"Jefferson?"
"Hmm?"
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Well Alice, you had asked me if I was worried about Mike."
"Yes?" Alice asked.
"And what I'm trying to say is that yes, I am."
"I feel like I don't know him sometimes."
"You probably know him better than anyone, Alice."
"I think I need to end things with him."
"If that's what you think is right," Jefferson responds.
"Yes. I think that's right. I think that's the right thing to do."
"Good." Alice and Jefferson hug each other on the bed. He kisses her, and at first she kisses him back, but then she pulls away and takes his arms off from around her shoulders.
"Jefferson?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you worried about him because of something he said or is it because of his new novel?"
"We've hardly spoken. He sent me an email with the draft. I read it. I read the whole thing, even though I probably could have stopped after just the first page. I felt compelled to finish it. But then I don't know why but I couldn't bring myself to respond to him for a couple days. It's been years since I've had any trouble breaking bad news to one of my authors. Writers are fragile people, Alice. I pride myself on delivering bad news with kindness. But with Mike, with this novel, I couldn't think of what I would say to him. I did call him though. I thought it would be better to have a conversation. He didn't pick up on the first dial, but I called him back right away and he answered. He didn't take the news well."
CAHPTER X
ehtere is a way to reliezze the end of the time before i saw him come back to me awith the answers to my question ebfcause my wurest had taken me up to this pota dn i knew that john would notgl be ab le to stop the atatack and it was my responsiblity to save the world and ti would have tolnr do ikt through the only way that i know how and it woauld be fdifficult but that's what they pay e fore me tnhe best of the best on the elite attack wuqddd that nohn in nhis intelligence division had falked to prevent the crise that was now calling my name from the grave and i had tol come back and asnwert him wouhat we would dol to ;prevent the attack frm the eemyi iof the state and the people i knew ik had to protect them because im a patriate and i love them m people i love to protect and serve and it's my duty to be tghj3e one to bring this situation to ist asright ful end and i know i just know that john whaould have tried to stop it if he cou;d but now i have to do t myself with my tgeam and the situation is gettikn more and more anotu of hand and i call m jeryr in the office to round ou[ all the amunition that we will mneed to go into battle with the bad guyhs the bad guys who have been plaguing us flor mogtnh s and was we approach the inevitable climax i know that i just know that this story can't coemjg to a goo d ene but joh does nher know that/ jerry doesnt seem to think so mbut i tnever trusted jerry to makr adogood deicisonn on the f,yt but i don trust john and john is a turstroryt guy to prevent the end from collapsing in on eveything but i will need amrs and lots of them if youik,im going to make a diffrence in this fight to the finish so here we go i say to myself what else tod i need to do tgoi ifnish the preparations for the battle i cna't belive the enemy have gotten to the front lines here in oute home coutnry and all of the intelligence have failed to this pothn and to eh electroate is nto supporiing the armed forces and it seems like all the cardsd are stacked against me but sosmehow i jsut know that i'm the only one that can bring this ot a safgen an resolved conslusion...
I'm sitting in front of my laptop, hands on the keyboard. I have to keep writing. I don't know what else to do.
"Honey? Mike? Please pick up your phone. You never called me back the other day, and I just got a call from Alice, saying she's worried about you. You didn't tell me you two broke up. Please call me back, honey. I love you."
Posted Feb 21, 2016, 9:29 PM UTC