Don't know where else to go

EDIT:Thanks to the people who have read through this thing...Just being able to level with someone about all this is something i've needed for a while. Thank you.

EDIT 2: Since posting this, i went out and got some groceries, made an awesome pot of soup and couscous, and i showered after what felt like way too long. Thanks again peeps.

So i make a new account every few months and post a wall-o-text here, then delete an hour later...Hope i can leave this 1 up for a bit.

I can probably say i've been going through manic depression for just over 2 years now. Most of it is due to m addictive personality and weed, also because my family broke up within the same time frame and left a train wreck behind.

By 18, i dropped out of college because i just could not find a reason to put any effort in school when i wasn't in the program i wanted to be in. I was clueless as to what i wanted to study during all of high school too...I only later found my calling in IT, which was a great turn of events, but everything around that is just total shit.

Since dropping, i would smoke up every single day with the same people, to the point that it was the only reason i would step out of the house. At 19, i made the best decision of my life and went for an associates degree in IT(Had to get a hefty loan for that...) I would still go to class high in the morning and smoke up after school everyday, but i still finished with highest grade and got a full-time job 2 weeks after graduating ( Computers just came naturally to me as i grew up a gamer basically. I've since lost all joy in gaming while all this has unfolded).

I never, ever smoked before going to work, that's the only rule i can still follow. But, within the first minutes of getting home after work, i spark up. I probably smoke 1oz a month on average...not a huge amount considering some other people. The longest i've gone without smoking during about 6 years of smoking daily was a total of maybe 2 1/2 weeks.I've considered quitting multiple times..usually when i'm high, but it goes no where

By the time i started work, i would step out of the house maybe 2-3 times a week to smoke with the only 2 friends i had left. After a while, that became kind of tedious and i would screen calls, stop answering texts...basically i dropped off the face of the earth and my friends stopped trying to reach me. Now i'm too embarassed to reach out to them; when i do meet up with them, it's just not the same. It feels like I'M the stranger.

Depression hasn't affected me at work where it's a concern. I do space out very often and find myself on reddit for way too long at my desk...I do know that i have experienced first hand that feeling of what a bi-polar/manic depression episode is. I am clearly aware of when i'm in a manic/high mood, and i know the higher it is, the harder the fall back. It's been a cycle and i feel coworkers do notice it sometimes, since 10/10 times i get asked "What did you do on the weekend?" or "Any plans for your break/weekend?", my reply since they've met me has always beem"Nada...". I guess it's written on my face "I'm hurting, but don't ask about it"..that kind of feeling. I'm basically a yes-man, doormat type person at work, which makes people happy and like me. I get complimented a lot, but i never like getting them..i don't feel like i deserve any praise. I still enjoy work on my maic/high days...the low days i drag my feet a lot, but still get stuff done.

I somehow did all this, hating myself for/while doing it, yet i was committed to being completely alone. At this point i don't know if it's strictly because of my bad habit of smoking, or if my smoking habit was formed because of my surroundings at home..I just know i was trying to drown something out totally and completely, and now that i'm completely "empty", i don't know what to fill the void with anymore.

The other part of it all this is my family...Within the exact same time frame as above, my parents went bankrupt. Dad ended up on welfare and hasn't worked a single day in over 5 years now. He sits at home all day cursing my mom and her family then goes out and plays cards all night, spends all his money on cigarettes and "groceries"(I have found hydromorphone subscriptions in his room and a codeine pill in his jacket). My mom used worked like 60 hours a week to only bring in maybe 120$/week from the flea-market for groceries while i was in IT school... She left my dad last summer and moved overseas to work with my older brother who's doing well. Originally, i thought she was only going for a couple months; She never verbally told me that she was leaving for good. My older brother moved over seas almost 10 years ago and we rarely ever speak. I visited him 2 years ago, but haven't seen him for almost 7 years before that. My sister is unemployed, uneducated, wanting to move overseas as well at this point but has no plans for a future.

I'm 23 now, stuck here having to pay off my school loan ( I can probably do this from abroad..), living with a father who gets a measly 850$ a month from welfare and it gets lower every year and i'm lucky to get the full half of the rent for the month. If i hadn't gone to school 3 years ago and got a full time job, we would be homeless.

I pay for all our utility bills, more than half the rent, both our cellphone bills, my own car, school loan, and i do groceries for at least 100$ twice a month. I was cornered into taking a 3000$ credit loan to pay off my dads car so he can start working with it. When i suggested to wait and get a plan of action going, he flipped out. As you can imagine, he has shit credit and can't do anything for himself. My mom sends me money every few weeks to pay it off(about half way there..), and also sends HIM money for day to day that he spends on cigarets and card games, yet he will still spit insults at her over the phone or if she comes up in conversation...He got a DUI like 10 years ago and is now stalling on completing the process of getting a pardon since he doesn't have the money to cover the fees. Since my father doesn't believe in budgets or saving money, he always ends up asking me for money towards the end of the month, which would usually go to my savings..I've had to pull money from my saving multiple times to pay off some bills. Oh, and he still thinks taking loans from goons is a good way to get out of the hole...

I'm dying to get the fuck out of this place and leave my dad behind...I don't know if i want to move overseas,well, because it's Israel....not exactly a quiet, peaceful alternative...Also because i know i will end up getting my dad arrested when the moving starts. No chance he's not going down without a fight...

Since i started working in IT, it's the only thing that keeps me grounded. I found my calling and there's no way in hell i'm letting it go by..i want to go full steam with my career and maybe even go back to school for a CS Degree..but while i'm here, I have to live with being a social outcast, unable to bring any joy to my life, stuck with this malignant tumor of a person and i can only see it getting worse with time...