My scale showed 300 today, and I realized I really am trying to kill myself with food. [31F, 5'6, Jabba]

I wasn't always this way. I was a thin teenager, skinny even. I genuinely like fresh, healthy food. I hate cooking, but that certainly didn't get me to this size. I thought I stopped self-harming when I was 20, but I guess I just found a different avenue instead. I keep telling myself that it's my PCOS, that it's my severe anxiety disorder that keeps me housebound a lot, that it's my depression making me unmotivated to cook and extra motivated to order pizza and gorge myself.

Tomorrow I have a 3 month review for my new job. They want to discuss how they think the physicality of the job, and its stress levels, may be too much for me. I work in a privately owned bookstore. Quite literally one step away from quiet librarian. If I'm not capable of this then I've truly eaten myself into disability.

Please, I need help. No matter how motivated I can get to change my depression just kicks my ass and I fall apart again. I've been on all the meds for years and they've barely helped. Exercise never helped the depression as a teenager so I've no reason to think it'll help now, which is de-motivating enough. Am I cursed to just be this fat lump unable to do anything in life because she's eating herself to death? How have any of you managed to stick with it through mental health problems? I can't walk around the block without having a panic attack, it's that pathetic.

I can't keep going on like this.