I think she deserves better.

I've been dealing with internal conflict for the past 4 months and I'm just not sure I'm cut out for it anymore. My SO and I have been together for almost a decade and I'm not going lie, things have been occasionally difficult but I'm a persistent bastard and wanted to make sure things smoothed over since we have so much history together. But nowadays I'm realizing that it may not be for the best. Despite her flaws and how different of a person she is from me I love her very much; she's been my best friend since high school. But I think she deserves better.

I have many issues that I've personally been dealing with and she's been such a trooper about it but I'm noticing that it's taking a toll on our relationship and she's beginning to get frustrated. I've been going to therapy to work on my issues that have plagued our relationship from the beginning but I think it may be too late. I'm not progressing at the rate she anticipated and my depression isn't helping the situation. I know I'm not as emotionally supportive as she'd like. I know my libido has diminished recently. I know my motivation has disappeared for the past 4 months. I have been aware of my shortcomings since the start. I'm my biggest critic and am aware of how lousy of a partner I have become. My love for you has not waivered since I first laid eyes on you but I've realized that love isn't all you need.

My outlook on life has been bleak but I've been trying my best to show you that I don't want to lose you. I used to be your rock in your times of need but now that the roles have been reversed it seems like I'm more difficult to handle. I'm not as talkative as you'd like. I'm not as affectionate as you'd like. I'm not as extroverted as you'd like. After all these years maybe now is the time to accept that I might not be the one for you. I don't want to be the reason why you're not appreciating life the way you want to.

We've talked about our issues multiple times and have tried to work out our problems but it seems we can never find a solution that makes the both of us happy. It's devastating to know I'm the heart of the problem with a lack of the right tools to fix the issue. My depression has commandeered my body and has left me in a standby phase, leaving me as a shell of my former self. You're not happy with what I've become but you don't realize that I hate myself for what I've been making you go through. I know you've been pushing going to couples therapy and I am 100% behind the idea. What I'm afraid of is that it won't be enough.

I love you so much. I wish you would understand that my feelings are genuine.