Getting better is scary sometimes (triggers)

I've had this PTSD for so long that when it goes dormant, I feel off. Like something is wrong because I don't have the sense of impending doom. Not having PTSD symptoms is definitely a good thing, it means i'm getting better... that is what I want. It's just weird to navigate the world and not be on guard. It feels a little scary because in my brain it's better to be prepared all the time and not relaxed. This is something I've been coping with for several years but it's only recently I've felt totally fine... but here's the worst part... I'm starting to not have feelings about my trauma. and not in a disconnected way (I've felt that way a thousand times... I'm not numbed out, I'm just dealing with it). Not feeling that anger is so foreign to me, I feel wrong because I don't have it anymore and to a degree it's making me doubt that I was ever really raped or molested. I know I was, but I have this running narrative like "If you're not feeling like complete shit about it, can you be sure it happened? If it happened you'd feel like shit." I feel so uneasy confessing this but I need to get it out... the past 3 nights I've been to the point of wishing I'd have a nightmare because I need those horrible feelings to feel "normal". My normal, not a regular person's normal.

I am in therapy but I don't see her for another week... I'm gonna talk to her about it. I just needed to get this out here. Does anyone else ever feel the same way? like you -need- to be sick to a slight degree despite working to get better? I can't believe I've been sitting here wanting to have a nightmare. I can't believe I want to feel that way. It's so fucked up and so twisted. What the hell is wrong with me...