I'm trapped

I'm trapped inside my head. I'm so sad. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do anymore. I let drugs control my life and destroy my life. I'm the one who put myself in this situation and I'm the only one who can pull myself out, but what's the point... I'm going to end up back to where I was, desperate for a high everyday, eating fucking inhaler cottons stolen from Walmart.

I'm at my wits end. I can't handle this sadness anymore. I have no one in my life who understands me. I have no one I can open up to. I'm going to end up as a worthless low life just like most of the world.

I'm sorry, I know I'm not explaining my problems. My problem with that is, I don't even understand them.

Tomorrow, I'm just going to force myself to wake up in a world I despise only to do what others want or need from me, go to pointless classes for a drug addiction I never had, and go back to sleep sad as can be. As usual.

Guys, I'm so sick and tired of this life. I can't handle the sadness anymore. It's taking control of me and having me make decisions normal me would have never made.

I miss being a kid. I was so carefree and happy. I might have been socially deprived but that was okay. I was happy in my life. I was happy in my head. Everyday was an adventure. Not a time schedule with high strung crazy people everywhere you turn.

I wish I wasn't so lonely. I wish I had people I could confide to and tell my every problem to. I'll never be able to get that close to someone again since I lost the most amazing person who ever entered my life. And the reason I lost her was entirely because of me. Because I decided to smoke weed with my friends and quit seeing her as often.

I regret everything decision I've ever made. I regret being brought into this life. There's no point for me anymore. Don't think I'm killing myself now. I can't do that. It would hurt my family. It would ruin them. Especially with everything they're going through right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not afraid of death. I have tried to kill myself before. I've been to that point as well.

I'm sorry. I'm ranting. I just want to die. I just want to take the pain away. I just wish a miracle could happen.

:(