Meetings, connecting, and the pitfalls of solitude

Despite what my badge says, I'm just under 6 months sober and I've noticed a few things that I'd like to share. It may help someone. I quit drinking on 9/7/2015 because I was tired of being miserable. After the first drink, I lost any ability to control when my drinking ended. Prior to admitting I was alcoholic (and I mean hitting bottom, no more maybes, no more BS, I am alcoholic end of story, and I don't want to hurt anyone or myself anymore) I would use the one time out of ten where I'd have one beer and go home as a justification for not being an alcoholic. The other nine times, I didn't know where the drink would take me, but that one time meant I wasn't a drunk. Crazy, right?

I tentatively went to an AA meeting after two weeks of "white knuckling," not wanting to be there and not wanting to get to know any of you fuckers but also not wanting to sit in my house alone with my thoughts. It had nothing to do with the people there. I've made friends since. At the time, however, I was terrified of being seen for what I really was, a scared kid who didn't know who he was without alcohol and drugs and didn't know how to live in his own skin without it. Alcohol eased the social anxiety and low esteem I've felt since childhood; a separateness from others and self-loathing that some of you may understand. I thought removing the alcohol and drugs from my life would solve all the problems. I wouldn't upset people, and I'd finally be able to live with myself. Not the case. Unfortunately, without alcohol dulling the issues, they were able to come forward, full force. Sitting in a meeting worrying about being called on and what I'd say became a nightmare. I started going home instead of meetings and isolating from people and places. Bumping into acquaintances at the market ended in awkward fist bump to handshake to shadow hug to "Seyanora!"s. It got weird. Safer to stay inside with a book, my dogs, and...myself.

I kept up the AA pretenses, though. 1-2 meetings a week, one call to the sponsor a week, and the third step prayer in the morning when I remembered. My shares at the meetings weren't honest. They didn't reveal the difficulty of going to the fucking store, worrying about running into someone. They couldn't convey to people the anxiety I wake up with in the morning wondering if today will be the day someone figures out I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And they sure as shit didn't show anyone how alone I feel in a world full of people. Or maybe someone in those rooms could hear all of that despite what I really said. In fact, I think a lot of the people in those rooms and in this group heard me.

Plenty have been where I am and learned to live a grateful, happy life. Not going to enough meetings and engaging with life keeps me in the hole I dug for myself 6 months ago. I have to get out and connect with people despite the anxiety. I have to keep going through the steps. I have to build a spiritual life. Otherwise, I live in solitude with bad thinking leading to bad mojo. This week I am going to go to a meeting a day, talk to someone at each meeting despite my anxiety ridden self, and try to engage life with positivity. It's definitely better than having that first drink.