I never thought I'd say this one day with any genuine sentiment, but holy crap, drinking sucks.

I had a nightly 10-12 drinks habit last year and went to the doctor for withdrawals in November. They always tell you about withdrawals being seizures and nausea, but in my case when I sought help, I didn't feel right, my voice sounded bizarre to me (it had to be mild psychosis), and my BP was 200/110 when the nurse took my vitals.

I did relapse a few weeks later because I couldn't handle the 2 am loneliness void and started drinking again, but only about 6 drinks a night. Eventually I got too lazy to go back to the liquor store when the vodka ran out. I drank a couple of beers in late January, which didn't do much of anything.

So..... yesterday I picked up a handle of vodka, thinking I could reward myself with a festive night of web surfing, music, and feeling good. I had altogether about 8 shots and felt relaxed, but I felt zero pleasure from it. Woke up with a headache and feeling sick, which thankfully subsided. Ugh, why?? I would have had a better time just doing my usual thing.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but it seems to me my brain's pleasure center no longer responds to alcohol. I guess that's a good thing because now I can just view it for what it is: a muscle relaxant and a poison.

Some good news for those starting recovery, I can honestly say that the lonely evenings (which I really struggled with and the drinking blotted over) are getting better because of the change in my habits and routine, and probably the effect of 1200 mg St Johns Wort daily. I'm not noticing the nighttime bleakness anymore. It does get better! I was skeptical it was possible and figured being sober would just amplify the boredom and loneliness and do away with all my options for feeling pleasure at night, but that's not the case. My sober evenings are genuinely starting to feel fun again, very much like the old days before drinking.

Tonight I will have an enjoyable time and the garbage will be topped off with La Croix empties.