I don't have a good title for this.

I just don't know where to start anymore. I'm sure plenty of you have dealt with it so I'm just going to ramble because above all else i just need to vent.

If I ever finally kill myself, it'll be because I can't keep myself in check when something good happens. I allow my normally pessimistic nature to fade and I get excited and forward thinking, and then when it flounders out in a day I'm down deeper than before. I know this is bad, I've tried to push my way out of the mindset, but thus far it's not working. It's relevant because I went on a date recently, I've done pretty well in school and a couple other small events and the same shit has happened.

I have basically no friends I actually care about, because they all treat me life shit but I haven't been able to cut them off yet because if I'm totally alone then I know that's it. I've made distance though and it's helped me become a less toxic person. In general I've spent the last year trying to better myself. Going to the gym, better personal hygiene, etc. The couple of years before that I focused on trying to be generally more social and stuff which is pretty opposite of me (big shocker). This phase is wearing off too and I don't really have anything left to distract myself with.

I'm running out of fake optimism. I'm running out of fake extroversion. I'm running out of hobbies. I could probably talk for years on what I can't keep going anymore. For instance I can hardly keep writing this even though I know I have more to rant about (ha).

I'm spiraling. I'm not really finding therapy helpful anymore, I really don't want to go back on medicine because it overall makes me feel worse than normal, I don't know who I'm trying to better myself for anymore because I could really give two shits about myself. Honestly if my family could ever get over it I probably wouldn't be here anymore but I care about them too much to hurt them.

Honestly, I think I'd trade all of my special, more unique experiences to have one full day where I didn't want to die. This was also rambling bullshit, but I just needed to write for a little. I guess I'll go back to wasting away watching netflix until I have to get up and act like I'm the average amount of sad.