Life has me at 0-26. I'm not sure why I keep playing.

TL;DR - My life amounts to nothing and I'm really, really fucking sad about that. Or, rather, I just stopped caring but I want to be really, really sad.

At the age of 16, I promised myself a few things. Goals to obtain - to which if I did not obtain these goals I would end my life by 25.

I did not complete a single goal. The goals were; Be more social, Go to college, Get a decent job. I have no friends. I only have a high school education. I make $12 an hour. Working 'Logistics'.

Why don't I have any friends? Well, simple - I just so happen to be a misanthropic introvert with very few interests, most of which happen to not be too popular. I have plenty of 'Work-Friends' but that's the extent of my social habits. When I need to be social.

Why no education? I'm not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. Far too many people happen to exist within a small space like a Community College, and as stated before - not really a people person. I have to deal with it enough at work and socializing otherwise would take some getting used to. I'm sure it's possible, and there's online colleges. Unfortunately I'm still amiss for what I feel like committing myself to for the rest of my life.

My job is alright. Not the best, but alright. I haven't gone for any promotions, but they say I'm a shoe in. Unfortunately that puts me more in the spotlight. On the stage to preform and be paid more attention to. Which is understandable and I'm sure I could handle it... But I like where I am, it's dark and people let me do my work. I don't have to speak much with others.

My problems revolve around being anti-social. My family feels that, even though I live with them (and support them), they feel as if I'm not even there. And they couldn't be more correct. I hate living with them, but can't move out - how would they make it? I might not speak with them but it's not like I don't love them... But sometimes it feels like I'm barely existent in their eyes.

I've tried, too. I took up drinking because I found it easy to be social when drunk. When sober I was just the quiet kid. Some people refereed to me as the 'awkward' kid. When I sat and relaxed with them at their place. I didn't speak in the conversations they had because I had nothing terribly important to say. That makes me awkward. Whatever, right. I stopped drinking. I didn't want a crutch. No one wanted to hang around me when I was sober. So why bother?

I went in for the testing for college admissions. On the wrong day. Then my family needed to move, and I didn't want to go into college completely broke. I've been putting it off now, because I'm unsure of what I want to do... what I can do, really. Socialization is a weakness of mine, and the mask I wear to endure it is an exhausting facade to constantly pull off... This adds to a lack of ability from my family to understand me, as it trickles into the fact that I'm single. And they never do see me with a female. So my family began to assume I'm gay. Truth is I'm a virgin. I thought being a virgin was a big deal, as a bad omen. Inexperienced, not a man, pathetic, whatever else people would say. Truth is... It doesn't really matter to me. Sex was barely important to me, aside from the primal instinct to think of it. That nonsense never really comes up in public conversations, and if it does the aforementioned mask lies for me. Keeping me nice and concealed by having nothing of interest to pin to me. A believable lie is the easiest to portrait.

I tried to join the military. Marines and National Guard. Both declined me for health reasons - a minor heart murmur. I was a bit underweight when I tried for the Marines. Bulked up to the average weight for the National Guard and still they pulled the same card the Marines did.

Right now, I support my mother, her alcoholic husband, my alcoholic brother, his fiancee and their two kids. With the help of the Government, of course. So more than half of what is needed is provided by me. Neither of them have jobs, but both addicts discover means to find money to drink and smoke crack. At least they have a vice.

I really feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world - maybe as a hermit somewhere in the woods. Not here in the middle of a city, spilling my problems onto a website with a glimmer of hope that someone can reply with something that strikes deep enough. Hopefully to spurn one of the cogs in my head that refuses to move. But I already know this is just going to be another small voice which falls through the gaps. At least it means I'm just as invisible as I want to be.