feeling kind of okay actually

It's weird. I've struggled with depression (possibly bipolar, but self diagnosed) for about 5 years now. I've had about 4 or 5 periods of extreme lows where I would be starving myself and wanting to die every day.. These would last anywhere between a couple weeks to a few months... Very recently I was in another really bad state... Probably the closest I've gotten to actually doing it. For the last year or so I've been really bad with self control and I went from being vegan to eating meat on the daily and smoking weed every single day as well.

I've always told other people and lied to myself in saying that I don't care what other people think. When deep down I really cared what other people think. It bugged the shit out of me that I have no real close friends and no girlfriend. I basically decided that I was a fundamentally unlikable person. I never knew why people didn't like me... I think it's just because I was so inconsistent maybe? Would be cheerful as hell one day and then super quiet and angry the next day... Usually at various levels of intoxication. I actually broke down crying the other day because I wanted to kill myself so badly after not being invited to go hang out with a group of people I was working with, when everyone else except for me was.

I don't really know what happened but suddenly I actually don't care when other people don't like me. I actually feel fine when someone doesn't like me. Was out at the bars last night and hit it off with a really pretty girl that seemed into me. She gave me her number and I thought it was going well. Problem is she said she had to go pee, and would catch up with me in a bit. Long story short I ran into her a bit later and she was leaving with a better looking guy and totally cold shouldered me. I was mildly disappointed in the whole situation. I explained it to a friend of mine that was with me and he was super pissed that she did that. This is something that normally would have set me off and definitely fucked with my depression. But I was like actually not really that upset about it.

I haven't smoked in 2 days and I have gone back to being vegan and I kind of feel normal and not in a shitty cloud. I have self control again and that actually makes me feel happy. By no means do I think I've cured my depression, but it's awesome to feel this way. It might be short lived but I really wanted to share it with someone otherwise I'll forget that it ever happened. I feel like there is hope now. I hope you guys find your hope too.