TW for negativity. What do you do when you've lost faith in therapists and medication?

OK this is a vague question but I am an unmedicated Bipolar 1, diagnosed almost 5 years ago. Following up to and for a while after my diagnosis, I was abusing prescription drugs along taking whatever my psychiatrists were prescribing. Since then, I have had trouble thinking, I suppose. I am not sure if it is possible or even likely, but I have had gaps in thought and I don't know if it can be attributed to prior drug abuse and a particularly overdose that left me seizing. For instance, if I try to speak and explain something and have to focus on a topic or story, I lose train of thought; forget entirely what I was going to say; repeat myself; pause a lot. I take so long people usually stop paying attention. Back then, I had also switched therapists to a former one following my outpatient care and she, as a holistic promoter, helped ween me off medication (probably been unmedicated for 4 years.) I stopped seeing her about 1.5-2 years ago. She probably wasn't the best choice as she also disregarded my diagnoses and invalidated my experiences, but that's a story for another day.

Without the meds, I stumble through mostly depressive and mixed episodes but have been hanging in with DBT mechanisms. I cycle through friends, jobs, boyfriends; still do pretty negative things in my life and others; mess up and delay my college graduation with major changes and time off; etc... But I don't honestly think medication would make anything easier for me. (Maybe my rejection of that is just a symptom of my illness, idk.) Although, at the same time, life hasn't been all that grand. I build and plan great things and then just turn around and destroy them (for example, investing time into friends but then burning the bridge for something small and probably reconcilable or most recently, I worked INCREDIBLY hard to study abroad, got a very selective federal scholarship, went for 1 week where I had endless panic attacks; wouldn't sleep; felt like a danger to myself so I came home.) Lately I have not felt this "low" since when I was diagnosed and during another instance about 2 years back. I am going to search for another therapist and perhaps, depending on their advice, will most likely turn back to medications. Although, I am not entirely sure I want that. I hate the side effects. I hate the disassociation (which I experience anyway.) Sometimes I think that I just am attuned for the pain and suffering of it all that I don't even want to get better... I'm not sure. I want help. But... I don't really want to mess with medication again. And I hate to waste my time spilling my guts to a therapist who I may not even like in the end - or support me at all like my last one.

I sort of feel like Dexter or Frank Underwood from House of Cards. They just don't see what and who they ruin until some intense retrospective episode. Everything I do and feel is realized afterward. I don't even know why I am posting honestly. I just feel pretty hopeless. I'm only 22. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I'll drive myself into the dirt.