The Tears of a Clown Trope is very real

This part I did last. I apologize in advance for the rambling, non-succinct post below. If you manage to get through it I applaud you. I also curse occasionally, I thought maybe some people might take issue with that, but it's the way I really speak/think. I figured if this is going to help me I need to be as real as possible. Goodluck, I'm Sorry.

I don't really know how to start this, I've tried a couple times now and the words don't quite describe my current mindset. I don't know how long I've actually been dealing with depression, I wanted to write it off as just "being sad" but it's starting to effect my life negatively and I need to address it, so I figured this is a good way to start.

I'm a comedian, I tell jokes to make other people laugh and smile- it's my favorite thing to do in the world. When I'm on stage in front of a crowd and they are having a great time, I'm on cloud 9 everything is fantastic. It's all the time off stage that has me on this sub. There's just nothing else in my life that gives me that same kind of joy. I just sit in my apartment, by myself and wait for something to happen to me. I've lost all drive to continue my schooling and I feel like a complete failure in the eyes of my parents. I don't do anything, I don't have any other hobbies or interests that matter to me anymore. I just don't see the point in anything I do, it all seems trivial. I spend all my time on the internet, I feel like I'm just wasting my life but I don't know what else to do. I tried going for a walk the other day, because we had unseasonably warm weather- and I gave up after a block or two. Not because my sad, fat body I have achieved by overeating and stress eating was wearing out- I just decided sitting in my apartment with the lights off was somehow a preferable option. I knew it was stupid but I felt powerless to stop myself.

I'm experiencing wild mood swings lately for the first time in my life. I went to lunch with my family the other day, my little brother asked "Are you going to eat your coleslaw?" having misheard the question as "Can I eat your coleslaw?" I responded "No". He thought I had given him the green light, so he reached over and began taking the coleslaw off my plate. I lost it on him, I started screaming at him, aggressively, in the middle of the deli we were at. It was embarrassing for me AND my family, who were all trying to just get me to calm down. It wasn't even a big deal it was only coleslaw! I couldn't stop myself from going hard at him for grabbing it though. The next minute, I found myself reeling it back in, realizing my mistake and I went on happily eating lunch with everyone. Every little thing bothers me, I am sooooo irritable these days its maddening. I don't mean to be, I know that when I shout over something stupid (like a co-worker "standing in front of the trashcan for too long" which I'm not even sure is a thing) I KNOW in the moment I am overreacting to the situation, but I just can't stop myself. It's the first time I've ever really felt like I am not in control of my own emotions and I can't stand it.

I have 2 brothers, one who is about to go to a prestigious university on a scholarship to study law and the other just bought a house and is getting married and starting a family- And then there's me, the middle son, the goddamn comedian. I constantly compare myself to my brothers like we are in some kind of competition. I know its stupid but I still can't stop myself from doing it, it's like a reflex that just hits me hard in the gut whenever I think about it for even a moment. I feel like if I'm not outperforming them at life that my parents will be less proud of me, or that they will just love my brothers more. It's made me bitter, and resentful of their success, when I know I should just be proud that they are doing so well.

Not all my comedy sets go well. When I have a great set, I feel amazing, untouchable, invincible.... for about an hour, then it's back to the hopeless aimless state that has become the norm for me. When sets don't go well it's horrible, it's, the exact opposite. I feel like I've failed at the one thing I love, that I've betrayed my one dream that I live and breathe for. It amplifies all my negative feelings, I just feel like pure dogshit after a bad set. Nothing can bring me out of it except for rebounding and having a good set, which is incredibly hard to do after a particularly bad set. Tonight was one of those nights. Things weren't going well, and someone heckled me from the crowd and I just snapped on stage. I started screaming at this audience member, berating them for the ENTIRE rest of my time. They didn't say anything inherently mean, I told a joke about skinny jeans and all they yelled was "Oh, I'm wearing skinny jeans" They didn't deserve that. I have never done that on stage before, I felt horrible WHILE I was doing it, but I couldn't stop myself.

I haven't been in a meaningful relationship, for the last three years. I dated the same girl for three years in high school until she cheated on me, broke my heart and left me. I really don't even know if that relationship was meaningful, but the way it ended has stuck with me. I have zero confidence in my ability to enjoy a lasting relationship. I can't trust the opposite sex anymore, as soon as anything starts becoming serious I look for ways to self-sabotage the relationship. Some part of me just doesn't want that I guess, I worry that the more serious a relationship the more it will hurt when it inevitably ends.

I feel like a coward even making this post. I use reddit regularly, but I didn't want anyone to know who I really am so I made an account just for this subreddit. (Which I am pretty sure is against reddit's rules?) but I just couldn't deal with letting anyone actually know who I am. I feel embarrassed even having to reach out. That's actually no different to how I am offline though, if you asked me how I was feeling I'd probably put on a big 'ol smile and tell you I'm doing fantastic, even when I feel the exact opposite. I've become too good at lying, I'm not genuine whenever someone asks- I always just fake happiness because it's less conflict. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, I feel like if I started telling someone how I really feel suddenly I'm burdening them with all my baggage on top of whatever they already have. I keep trying to tell myself I can handle it on my own, that I can figure out what's going on myself, evidently I an wrong. Thanks for making it this far, sorry that you had to read all that.

This is a long time coming- and probably overdue but I'm hoping just getting this out there to someone who will understand where I'm coming from will help out.