i dont know what the hells happened anymore...

i dont know what broke me, or maybe ive "woken up" and finally saw the mess ive created. it doesnt matter, the outcome is the same. this last week has been a personal hell i didnt even know was possible. ive been doing anything thing i can to stave off a complete breakdown.

i dont even know what i want out of this post... something? nothing? anything? maybe im just writing this out for my self.

im 30 and living at home, effectively a hermit for the last 10 years. i "broke" last week and realized i am a fucking hermit and fucking hate it. i dont have a social life, at all. i never leave the house anymore except when i run errands with my parents. ive never worked a real job or went to school. what few friends i have are basically gone. we speak online once every few weeks, but i havnt seen them in person in 2 years now. in fact, i think ive only seen them twice in the last 4 years. looking back on it, playing excessive amounts of video games and working around the house has been my way of masking my acceptance of what i really am.

im 30 and have literally nothing to show for it. nothing. nothing but lost time. and years of missing friends, fun, work experience, dating... life. im 30 for fucks sake, i should at least have a decent job, my own car, and my own place to live by now.

and to top it all off, i found out im apparently incredibly jealous. my sister is 3 years younger than i am. she went to school and got a degree, she has friends and a social life, shes out of the house doing things more often than shes home. she has a job, a car... shit, she got engaged last week. she has a normal life. shes 3 years younger than me and has everything i want. coming to that realization hurt like hell.

ever since the moment i heard she got engaged, my normal, boring world shattered. every one of my shortcomings and failures highlighted and realized. the extreme loneliness that ive somehow masked all these years. telling my self im happy with the way my life is, only to finally come to terms with that being a complete illusion. everything. im man enough to admit it, i broke down and cried my self to sleep this week. i havnt done that since i was a little kid.

i cant keep living this kind of life anymore. i wont i have to get out and do something... anything. i just want a normal life. friends, social life, actually having fun. some one else in my life.

and that last one terrifies me. im a 30 year old, emotionally stunted man that has never dated in his life. i always thought i was strong enough to do this on my own... at least ive accepted that i cant. and i cant imagine theres many women out there who want to deal with someone like me. a 30 year old virgin that has never been on a date. the furthest ive ever gone with someone is a friendly hug.... i know i would run away if i saw that coming.

and the thought of moving out on my own at 20 was hard enough. but the thought of moving out at 30 with the credentials of a 20 year old? and completely getting rid of the only life ive ever known?