I didn't ask to be born

But god fucking dammit,I'm trying.

I hate my life with every fiber of my being. I hate the man I see in the mirror. I don't know why I'm trying sometimes. My mom and dad, took care of me my entire life. They raised me and supported me to have a better life at the cost of their own. Both of them are still alive, but I can tell that raising my younger brother and I has taken a toll on them . Decades of sacrifice they put into us an we still live completely dependent on them; both of us.

Me and my younger brother has no job; I'm spraling out of control mentally because I have become a complete loser. I hate therapy and will never do it again, I don't know how some people do this med stuff, every time I take meds it makes me feel worse. I went to prison last year, they put me on meds there and I attempted suicide while on those meds. They put me on suicide watch which is pretty much butt naked lockup for half a month.

I'm at home now, locked up in my room. My room was my prison while I was out on bond for 2 years. And it is now my prison again after doing some real time behind the fence.

I'm still trying....

I got an education! That's good right? But I don't produce any fucking value. That's why I'm here ranting on reddit instead of sleeping and getting ready to provide people that value tomorrow morning. When you provide no value, and hurt people you are the scum of the earth; I fall under this category. I am the scum of the earth.

I'm still trying though...

I'm searching for a job, working on school (Moar school since a fucking BS in business wasn't enough obviously). I'm doing my best to comply with my supervision. All I can do now is work hard so that I don't violate fucking probation. I hate my life and everything associated with it except my family. They don't deserve this. They don't deserve a failure of a fucking son. They will do everything they can to protect me. I'm 28 years old now and they're 50 they can't protect me forever. I should be protecting them. My dad has a defibrillator on his heart; and he has diabetes and sleep apnea. My mom has osteoporosis and suffers from some mental health issues.

I am failing them, I tried so hard but I'm failing them even more. I'm in quicksand. I have a bachelor's degree and about to get another associates degree, but I'm still sinking. I'm "smart" at least that's what people tell me, but I can't create opportunities for myself to succeed. I'm sinking.

I'm still trying. I will fail. I know that I will fail. I realized that failure was imminent when I was a 14yr old brat in high school. I was going to work hard but fail anyway. As I grew up, in the words of Ultron from the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie I was able to rise, only to fall.

My world will only crack, there is no other alternatives. My world is crushed under the weight of my failure.

I'm still trying...acting like I believe that I will not fail. However, I know that failure is inevitable.

I didn't ask to be alive, and I have never been greatful for being alive. I am grateful for being able to walk, talk, and be relatively healthy. But WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT will gladly give my life to someone who could use it. Because I failed.