22/F Military, Depression, Anxiety..need advice.

I just need to gain some outside advice from people who don't know me and have no bias. I am halfway through my first (six year) enlistment in the Military and I am finally ready to admit I am completely broken.

It all began two years ago, well three really, when I married my first husband. Big mistake, high school "sweetheart" who ended up being an abusive ass. When I joined I was sent from my home in the south to the frozen wastes of the North (practically Canada North). No big deal, I was bright eyed, ready for anything and I grew up dirt poor so here was my shot at a career and college if I was ever going to get it. I had no clue that between the abuse and totally becoming a new person to suit the Military's needs were going to have such a profound effect on me.

Once the divorce had peaked and he was gone I was relieved and finally starting living again. Except now I had started this strange anxious habit of chewing on my fingers. And I mean I would bite the tips right off. Bloody stumps. I went to our Mental health clinic and I was put on Zoloft. Makes me a little cloudy but it works.

I have touches of depression here and there, mostly coming to a head over Physical Training. I go through periods of self loathing so much so that I will stop showering for a few days, No laundry or cleaning, or eating, and no exercise. Which is a huge requirement in my job. It's an awful process. You need all of the above to keep the depression at bay, but with depression you just cannot bring yourself to do any of those things.

So I'm just trying to human enough to squeak by. I got remarried and he's amazingly patient about it. He understands the abuse sustained has left lasting marks and tries not to push too hard. But I know it has to be hard for him. When I will just completely check out for a few days at a time.

Along with the aforementioned topics, it also seems the military itself has had a hand in breaking me. Chop your hair off, or damage it into a regulation bun each day. A little make up is okay but only in these select colors, also if you wear it you will be less likely to be taken seriously by your peers. Also if you dont wear it you better be naturally pretty or you will be treated like CRAP multiple times per day. No earrings except these minimal sized metal balls or pearls. No nail polish unless it matches your skin tone. Here please let us wrap this measuring tape around you so we can score your girth against our acceptable listing and your peers. And if for some reason you can't make our cut you will be thrown out on your ass with nothing to show for your time here.

I have this miserable job now too. Should be the best job of my life but the leaders make it miserable. The leaders, and the depression and the anxiety.

I start going back to counseling tomorrow. Now that I have a job that permits the scheduling for counseling. I guess I'm just not sure where to go from here. If I can't make the cut on these next physical training tests (they're not hard, except when you have depression) I'll get tossed and so will any college benefits I might've had. Or I can apply for early outs which would still leave me with those education benefits. I don't know if I should stay, or go, or even how to hold myself together anymore. I'm not on depression meds. Just the anxiety ones. But I have no clue what to do here. Stay? Go? Suck it up and keep pretending?

I just hate myself, hate it here, and hate this whole Damn job but without it I'd probably be living in a cardboard box. I have this strange, bittersweet loyalty complex.

Any advice or at least encouraging words?

*edited because I forgot how to spell "tries" apparently