I'm not ok right now... most of the time really

Backstory: I'm 30 years old, AMAB, accepted that I was trans about a year ago with the help of some therapy which I could only afford with the money my father left me after he died. I decided ultimately that since I was in the position of either transitioning and losing the woman I love in a slow and painful manner (someone I feel I cannot live without) that I would just continue to live my life in the closet. After all it worked for 29 years so I can keep it up if I get to stay with my love and start a family with her...

Fastforward 10 months to now. I am saving for a ring and we are talking marriage and babies and live together and everything. It is great, except everytime I am not preoccupied (like during my nightshift security job) I am overcome with dysphoria and doubt and all the depression.

Tonight is especially bad. I've been having small anxiety episodes where my heart races and I get dizzy... that's a new level of dysphoria for me which makes me fear that I will be one of those for whom dysphoria gets worse over time, which does not bode well for the "suck it up and be a man for the rest of your life" plan. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads where both paths lead a mix of happiness and soul-crushing misery... either I lose the woman (and future family) I can't live without or I suffer this dysphoria for the rest of my life which seems like the cruelest torture devisable by man or god.

There is no way out for me. I would never truly entertain the idea of suicide because I would never do that to those who love me (especially after having to go through the grief of losing my Dad) but I frequently fantasize about it... just the escape from the pain I guess...

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need to vent I guess. It is after midnight and my girlfriend, who is the only person I am out to, is asleep. I know the advice I'll get here... "dump her and move on, you'll find another." Some people may be nice enough to at least acknowledge how painful losing someone you love can be, especially when you're looking at turning yourself into a fugly man in a dress and dooming yourself to a life of solitude as a result. And I know that the purely logical and emotionless thing to do is to move on and try and take a stab at being myself and being with someone who can handle it too. But logic and love don't often meet. The idea of losing her hurts as much as the idea of never getting a chance to try and let Amy out.

So here I am, in horrible pain and at a crossroads where both paths lead to more pain. I wish suicide was an option to me sometimes.