I thought I was over the whole "hating myself for being gay" thing but I am not.

I can't help it, I just get so mad that I turned out gay when my life would be so much easier if I were straight. I had this old woman hug me in church, crying, telling me how happy she is to see a young man like me still come to church each week, when I am only going there because I need to keep this act up. I felt like such a piece of shit....and then these thoughts of "well maybe you could just try and get a girl and hope for the best.." or trying celibacy again.. I shouldn't be considering this shit that stuff made me even more miserable.I don't get why I can't get over this. I just want to love myself, but then I see my parents go through this tough time they are where we had a bunch of personal betrayals and knowing one day I will be one too. I mean I don't want to hurt them but I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness for theirs just so they can have their precious straight son. I don't get myself, I can be all ready to be proud and out then these feelings just hit and i hate myself. I am supposed to write this essay on anti-gay therapy too and now I just feel guilty for it. I am so scared my best friend will find out and hate me. He knows I stand for lgbt rights but we agree to disagree, he even has a few gay friends but I know what he really thinks of gay people because he talks to me about it. I know he'll think I am gross and not want to hang out as much. All the people in my church who look up to me, and tell me how wonderful I am, are the same people who unanimously added in 2 pages to our doctrine basically saying "Gays are icky evil things unless they are in the closet trying to be straight", but people I have bonded with nonetheless. I try to be proud, I know there are people out there who need people to be proud so they can have courage to be themselves and I REALLY want to be proud, but truth is I wish I were straight. I hate being gay. If I were straight I'd have been able to save my female friend from an abusive relationship since the only tihng that did stop "us" from becoming a thing was me realizing she deserved a straight guy. So I set her up with a friend of mine who turned out to be an abusive asshole. If I were straight my family and I would be so much closer. If I were straight I wouldn't have all these confidence issues I have. I try not to think these thoughts but they just pop in and it makes me so angry at myself or makes me want to cry. I just hate being gay and wish I didn't hate being gay.