I feel pathetic and alone

Part of what makes me go PMO is the rage. I'm so enraged that I had such a great life for nine months, six years ago. And the romantic interests I've wanted and went after fell for guys i thought I was better than. My childhood friend is a father without a college education. And he's with the target I had in my sights years ago. And now some other CVS full timer is with my current interest. And he's nice and committed. He took her to church.

Both of these dudes are handsome and buff. And they have no long term viability in my opinion because they don't have a college education. I mean, that sounds messed up. But we're all black guys. And black guys without college suffer worse than most others without college.

These guys aren't bad at all. They're good matches for the girls they're with.

And me, I'm still hung up over an ex from 6 years ago that started a long road to improving myself. (Yeah, it's pathetic) (i feel pathetic) (and that inspires the rage)

And I'm focusing on the bible, quitting pmo, quitting cigarettes, eating healthy... and even then I'm interested in being anorexic. Thinking, 'if i lost A LOT of weight, I'd be old me. I'd be desirable again. And more!'

I feel like a loser. I'm crazy enraged every time I take time to do nofap. Because I have to look at myself without the simulated feelings. Without being able to... I can't articulate it.

Am I alone in this feeling?