My grandma finally passed away today

Sigh guys. I'm not even sure hiw I have felt. Probably I'm just too fucking tired. I can't be arsed to linked them, but I said in previous posts that I was not even sure if I really loved her. I still felt bad and went to the shower and had a good cry, fuck knows over what. I didn't cry a lot. I don't feel particularly sad about myself. I complained a lot about her, so I feel kind of relieved, but at the same time I thought, well death is always fucked up.

And well that's the point. I don't feel particularly touched, but it kills me seeing the people I love crying. I mean, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them feeling sad. It's just that I feel so powerless. I wish I had the magical words to make everyone feel better. It frustrates me to think that grieving is a process and that people need time, because I wish we could all move on with our lives right the fuck now. I just hate how my mom, who was her daughter in law says she now will feel so alone. I hate seeing my dad cry, which will likely happen at her funeral. I don't know guys. Like I have no problem with their feelings, I just wish I could cheer them up.

As for me, I probably cried more for my cat, because that came out of nowhere. I felt somewhat ready and even detached from this. I think I'm just too stressed about the shit that happens at funerals to even have the time to be sad. Oh well, that's life I guess.

On a side note, these days have provide me with good exjw material, but I don't have the energy for it right now. Oddly enough, let me add something I hate doing: praising jws. I appreciate how the jw family showed up to grieve my non jw grandma and support my non jw dad and his siblings.