Stream of consciousness stress rant

Things are getting really bad. I'm very hard on myself. A lot of it is deserved and a lot is from things I didnt have full control over. My stress levels are through the roof. I am absolutely wired at this moment in time. Lately it's been work.. The company I work for is utterly corrupt. It's a small family business ran by two brothers, a childish glutton and a white collar crackhead. The company is floundering. Financially I am a wreck. I haven't had enough money to make ends meet in my entire life. As a direct result of my irresponsibility for maintaining a standard of living, my dog died from easily preventable heartworms. My dad killed himself, and I feel I easily could have prevented it by just seeing him one more time on his birthday, knowing fully well he was highly depressed and possibly suicidal, so I could sit at home and talk to some manipulative... ...bad female person... Who ended up convincing me to claim her kids on my income taxes down the road, which the IRS was all over, AFTER sending a check... Long story short there I owe $10k+ interest to the federal government.. I've been beaten down by women at every turn in my life. I've never had a good experience with any of them and as a aresult I have a lot of enmity. My driver's license is expired.. I can't get a new job because I can't pass a drug test, or legally drive. I can't quit smoking pot because that's genuinely the only reason I haven't hung myself with a fucking belt on at least two dozen different oçcasions. And now my cat is pissing everywhere in the house except in her litter box. I have two roommates, and I'm the lesser partner in this arrangement, so my situation is pretty precarious as it is, and if she keeps doing this, that's it.. I've got LITERALLY nowhere else to go. Every time I get in my car I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, because if I get pulled over, that's it. If my roommate isn't with me when a cop finally catches me on the road, I am absolutely killing myself in that car, 100% guaranteed. And this god damn cat is going to get me thrown out because in the last two weeks she's decided she wants to piss in the bathroom like a people, except, ya know, not in the god damn toilet, just right on the wall. I'm afraid that if I catch her doing it again I'm going to LITERALLY crush her throat with my bare hands and throw her corpse in the garbage... And I love this car, I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. I'm in no condition to own animals, but I had them before I got all fucked up.. And they kept me sane, at least until my dog died from my negligence and my cat tempts my (steadily increasing) rage.

In the last months, it's gotten worse. I've stopped bathing, brushing my teeth, washing clothes, basic, basic things that I never had a problem doing before. I stink and I know it. My hair is greasy. My beard wouldnt be half bad if it didn't look like long, oily pubes on my face. My teeth are absolutely gross. They're eaten up by large, visible cavities to the point t that they don't even hurt anymore. I'm sure my breath is particularly disgusting, because every meal now includes a course of picking pieces of food out of my cavities/broken teeth with my tongue. One especially resilient morsel has been there for at LEAST 10 days. I can't get that little bastard now matter how I try. I remind myself of Peter Griffin when he gets "dad breath" because of a whole shimp lodged in his tooth for a month. My clothes are generally disgusting. The oil and metl flakes from the machine shop I work in are on about everything I own, which isnt much anyway, and probably some into the fabric, carpet, my mattress, etc.

The worst part is that most of the time I don't give a shit. I've got no one to impress. And why would I? I'm foul. I'm filthy. I'm disgusting. I own it. I'm a god damn 32 year old depressed janitor who only holds his job down because his boss is his dead dad's brother and the guy pities me. Pity is the most wonderful feeling in the world. To have someone look at you and know that they're so much better than you are that they can feel PITY? Thats "god," the universe, whateber, putting the big ass seal of approval right on top of your shitty little existence.

I spend most of my days hoping I'll get aggressive cancer, diabetes, or heart disease, all of which run in both sides of my family. Wish me luck.

TL;DR waaaaaaaaaaaaah bitching waaaaaaaaaaaaah