I feel myself slipping.

I have been using these little metal grips that come on my bandage rolls & hold it together. I found placing them under a bandage against my skin hurt and if I want it to hurt more I can just press on it (no skin breaking really). It means I can wear it under clothing etc wherever, and just push for relief/distraction. Similar to rubber bands only more constant (since it basically hurts all the time regardless).

Anyway I guess it wasn't enough, I think I just needed to see myself bleeding. Yet I was trying to be nice to myself today... I bought new make-up and started playing around with it. It had the opposite effect; I felt disgust, self-loathing & that quickly turned into cutting. I didn't even bother to clean up the wounds this time I just stuck something over to stop it bleeding through my clothes and that was it.

I also tied the bandage (with the metal grips in) so tight today that after I took it off this evening my arm is swollen & puffy. So congrats to me I made it worse trying to make things better....

It's not the SH or anything as such that I am upset about. Stuff happens. It's the increasingly self-destructive mood and motivation, I feel myself slipping. I see how its slowly becoming more out of control. Sometimes I have put myself in situations that are not that safe, and its not on purpose --but it kind of is. That's how this all started really. That first time I did something so reckless and I didn't know why.... but I realise why. Part of me was trying to cause an accident or situation in which something would happen to me and I would be blameless. This was last year btw.

I am currently trying to juggle something positive that's happening in my life right now (I know, timing right), new friendships. But its like two sides of a coin -they aren't strangers but they can't meet. It makes me sad that its probably going to fail because of this, and just me generally being a mess, which I know will then just reinforce how I feel about myself. Basically I know that there is going to be nothing to stop me sinking totally at some point, and that scares me somewhat.