See you space cowboy

I am a single mom of a beautiful two year old. I have a new, nicely furnished apartment. I am a true to the core artist. I am in love with humanity, all people are delicious little puzzles that I value highly. I have a lovely family whom are happy and o.k. I've faked and strained and pulled my saggy ass through 8+ years of constant depression. I feel like a volcano. I have so many wants for my child, for my family... I pinch myself really hard and dry my tears, just to find myself hiding in the bathroom again an hour later. I try to trick myself all day, every day since I can remember that things are going to be better tomorrow. But by noon 'tomorrow' I still cannot eat. The lights are that sickening color from 4 closed walls and curtains that tell you there is a whole day happening outside. I hardly shower. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I wonder why they all get go give up and I have to battle with the clock every hour so I don't drink the bleach while my baby is at daycare. Why does life keep going? Why can't it take a break for once? Will I be forced to pretend my way through gatherings and visits and appointments and work and school forever. When does it stop. When do I get to die, too.