Finding a therapist for regular shit frustrations [rant]

tl;dr: I'm sick of red tape and want to cry but being on T means it's hard for me to cry. Just hand me a therapist that doesn't suck, doc.

I'm just frustrated and gotta get it outta my system. I'm looking for a therapist. I'm going through the actions that I'm "supposed" to go through in order to find one. Trying to work with my insurance (woo I actually have insurance) and so I call them and now that I have an HMO I've got to go to where I need a referral from.

I go to Howard Brown in Chicago. Long wait times but whatever, I'm super happy with the care I get there and I haven't had to educate a provider since I've moved to Illinois, which is a nice change of pace.

I finally decide that I'm getting weird enough to where seeing a therapist again is a good idea and I'm hitting a roadblock. I've got a lot of work to do to find one and it's just sending me into a swirl of anxiety and I'm not sure what to do for that.

So the behavioral health person called me back today (I've been waiting a month or so for a callback, so my dad died in the midst of that - before it was "I'd like to talk to a therapist about my dad being in hospice" now it's "hey my dad died and I should probably deal with that") and now I need to furnish a list of psychiatrists and therapists and stuff that are in my work area that the behavioral health specialist can go through and let me know if any of them are trans competent.

I'm trying to get the list and get a nice printer friendly version but damn I'm sucking big time at this.

I don't need one for trans shit, just one who's competent. I transitioned a long time ago (T and social). I saw someone for 3 visits but that was on the PPO for my surgery letter, and she doesn't get accepted by the HMO.

I just have a shit ton of job stress and I'm dealing with having watched my dad die after a long illness, and I haven't actually dealt with it yet. But the things that I know are big stressors are piling up, I'm getting twitchy, I've been mean more than I used to, and I'm not the nicest person anymore. I'm not comfortable with that.

I'll probably give up on it in a week or so, but I just wanted to get this angry feeling out of my system.

The last few times I faced all this red tape though I wound up in a crisis stabilization unit or inpatient and I really hope I can keep myself together more than that. Is this how it is accessing care for most people? I'm in much much better shape than I was then but now I have a longer distance to fall, so....

[deep breath out]