[Rant] i've just realised that there's no way to control my emotions

I didn't really know where to put this but I needed to get it off my chest cus I don't want to talk to my friends about it.

I'm scared.

Recently I realised that since nearing the start of puberty I've had cycles of emotions. I've divided these into phases. In Phase 1, I'm happy, I'm energetic, I'm jumpy, I run everywhere, I crack jokes, I dance, and I speak quickly. I have tons of ideas and goals and seem to be made of social lubricant. I write and sing and love life.

In Phase 2, I'm more quiet, observant, but still somewhat energetic. More awkward when it comes to social activities, but still competent. I still end up being somewhat energetic in this phase sometimes

In Phase 3 I crash. I think passingly about things like suicide, and am torn to shreds by my own conscious - or subconscious cus I can't really control it.

Although the things I(?) judge myself for are real issues for me, the hurt seems to come more from my emotional state than the issues themselves. You know the motion;

"You're worthless. You're an idiot. Why the hell would you do that? Even your friends don't care about you. You're a lanky sack of wasted potential."

I'm scared because right now I'm in phase 1, after a full loop, after I thought I had it sorted. I thought that I'd changed my perspective on life forever. I was solid for a good month. But I know, for the first time with certainty, that in a day, a week, or a month, I will end up in that same position on the floor, thinking about death and sadness and shit friends and god knows what. And although I haven't gotten close to doing it yet, I've felt the thoughts about death getting more and more clear. I'm scared because I don't know what's happening to me. I'm not even sure people around me go through this anymore, which used to be my comforting thought. I'm scared because I'm getting cravings to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol in my bad times and I've never even done either of those.

I'm scared because I've realised that my life for the first time in my life I'm completely out of control of my emotions. I've fallen off the boat and am now at the mercy of the tide or the waves or whatever seafaring vernacular is relevant.

I sit down for hours unable to move because of the level of hurt and negativity in my gut. I want talk to my friends about my issues but I'm pretty sure they don't care, so instead sad me thinks about doing attention seeking things (deleting facebook, ect) which I don't follow through with because I don't wanna be a dick. And so I return to crawling in the fetal position and staring at the wall.

sorry for the incoherence, its 1am and my brain is in a million pieces right now, just needed to put this somewhere