I [21F] broke up with my boyfriend [24M] a week ago, and miss him terribly.

I don't know if I even want to move on, I just know that our relationship was at times toxic, and at times incredible. We've been together on and off for 2 years.

He has borderline personality and is addicted to cocaine and alcohol, which he uses when he 'relapses' (conveniently when I go out of town). When he's not using and not being manic, like I said, it's really, really good. I think there have been some abusive elements (we had a physical altercation while drunk last April), and the cops have been called on us fighting three different times.

Basically I found him on Tinder in November, which I was upset about, but we talked it out and he promised he wouldn't do it again. I went away last week and when I came back, my cousin told me that she saw him on there again. Both times, he went out partying (after swearing he was clean) and I'm still not really sure where he went during this time. He's done this on four separate occasions during the four months we've lived together.

This time, I told him I was done with his shit, and he left. He's from a different city, so he moved back there the same day (3 hours away).

If I stay with him, I lose all support from my family and friends. None of them think we should be together. Logically, I know we shouldn't be. But I'm in love with him, and feel like I may have overreacted. It's also easy to justify getting back together because I look at his behaviour as a by-product of his illness. Every time we get back together, he promises he'll seek help. At first he does, but his ambition starts to dwindle. He's been begging me to come back.

I really do not think I'll love anyone as much as I love him. I've had a crush on him since I was 17, and I'm scared that none of my next relationships will be as meaningful. Has anyone experienced this, and did you get over them? How do I stop myself from calling him and telling him to come home?

TLDR: ex and I have turbulent relationship, not sure if I should stay away, miss him, need to get over him.