Me [20 F] with my ex-boyfriend [21 M] of 1 year. I broke up with him but I'm really sad.

Hi reddit,

So this is a little embarassing but f*ck it (am I allowed to swear on the internet?), I'm turning to the internet for help. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this breakup I'd be very grateful.

I met my ex-boyfriend a little over a year ago. We're both foreigners from different parts of the world living in France and we got along really well. We hung out, had travel adventures, met each others' families via Skype, helped each other learn the other's language... It was a wonderful relationship.

Well, not always- in fact not mostly. The country we live in is macho and he's from a place that's even moreso, so he would give me a hard time about not wearing makeup or about dressing poorly, and generally made me feel so crappy about myself that I had a hard time getting excited enough to have sex because I was so self-conscious. We had some general world-view incompatibility issues as well (he's religious and has "old-fashioned" values, I'm not and don't really). He got mad when I didn't want him to smoke weed around me (not in general, I just didn't want him to be high when we were supposed to hang out together!). I was never a jealous person before I met him but he liked to hurt me, I think, by looking at girls, making comments about them, flirting with them online in really obvious ways. He had a bad childhood (lol no excuse, I know, in fact isn't there a saying that says not to date men with mean fathers?) and I generally refused to stroke his ego the way French women are trained to do, so I think he got a sick sort of confidence boost from putting me down.

I finally had enough of his bullshit and I broke up with him about a week ago. (I know, I know, it took me awhile.)

I've slept around a lot but I only had one serious boyfriend before him, in high school, and our break-up was totally amicable and drama-free. No hard feelings, just realizing that we didn't love each other anymore.

This breakup is different. I know I made the right decision- this ex didn't respect me and I had already put up with more than I should have. I'm trying to be proud of myself for finally walking away from a relationship that was dragging me down. But holy shit, is it ever difficult.

I feel gutted. I'm crying every night, not eating, sleeping poorly. I'm just so, so sad.

I took him off Facebook and Skype and deleted his number (though unfortunately I have it memorized) from my phone. I've been working out, hanging out with friends... But I don't have very many friends in this country, at least no close ones, and to be honest in my home country I never had many close friends, either. I don't feel comfortable confiding in anyone, really. I guess that's why I'm turning to you, reddit.

The worst is the anger. I'm a generally happy and laid-back person. I hate negative emotions, so I avoid feeling angry whenever I can. There's been lots of times in my life when I SHOULD have gotten angry and it just seemed like so much work. (Maybe the word I'm looking for is "pushover.) But in this scenario, I'm swinging back and forth between being devastated and being furious with how he treated me (or a mix of the two). I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing and crazy, screaming-out-loud-when-I'm-home-alone rage, hands balled into fists, hitting my legs and my head like a weirdo.

What do I do, reddit? I expected to feel bad for a while but not like this. I feel like my life is crashing down on me. I feel so, so alone. I don't think I've ever had my emotions be so crazy and out of control.

Should I let myself feel this anger? If not, how do I avoid it? It's not a motivating sort of anger, it's an anger that feels hot and terrible inside of me and that makes me scream, literally just scream into my pillow when my roommates aren't at home. I think I'm going crazy or having a breakdown of some sort. I've never felt so out-of-control and awful in my life.

I guess there's no real point to this post. I just want to tell someone how I feel because I have no one in real life in whom I can confide. I know breakups can suck but I seem to be handling this one particularly poorly. It's affecting my schooling because I keep feeling like I want to throw up in lecture hall, or start to cry (and I'd seriously rather kill myself than cry in public).

I was assaulted last year (currently working with police on that) and know that I should be in therapy for all this shit but I just dread talking to someone about any of this, even a professional. Please help.

Tl;dr: My ex-boyfriend was an asshole. I broke up with him but I feel like I'm going crazy from grief and anger. How do I deal with this?! In particular, how can I deal with this insane anger that I'm feeling?